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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Widow....
 


I'm A Widow

Iím a widow. "WIDOW", donít you hate that word? Sounds like Iím a black widow spider. Men donít want to date me because they think Iíll have sex with them then kill and eat them. Some fireflies do that too, ya know. Right! The female firefly will flash and when a male comes around to check her out, she eats him. Really, itís worse than a spider because she doesnít even give him sex first so he can die happy!

But, Iím getting use to widowhood now. Iíve been there long time. Iíve learned to be careful. Iím not sure what Iím suppose to be careful about - but every time I meet someone, my friends all say, "just be careful!" I think maybe they mean, "Be suspicious, he is only after your insurance money and pension." There is one really bad catch about a widowís pension - if she remarries, she usually loses it. Maybe thatís why the black widow spider is such a bitch. Sheís got to get rid of him some way before he proposes!

When I meet somebody new, I just let him think Iím divorced. Itís less of a problem that way. If you tell Ďem youíre a widow, they think they have to be "sorry". Why are they sorry? They didnít cause it to happen.

A divorcee is viewed as a desirable, sexy, fun-loving, free spirit. When youíre a widow, they figure you probably nagged some poor schmuck till you sent him to his grave. People can say the meanest things to widows. Some divorcees say I am lucky because at least I donít have to put up with an ex. Funny, I donít feel very lucky.

People never really understand. Death is such a depressing thing. Nobody wants to talk about it. They are afraid it might upset me. Upset me? One of the worse things that can happen in life happened to me! Iíve been to hell and back! If you want to upset me, pretend it never happened! Now that is the way to upset me!

And the kids...what do you say to the kids when youíre finally ready to have a new man in your life? "Mommy knows how much you miss daddy - I miss him too. And by the way, hereís the new guy Iím dating." Itís tough when you are too young to be a widow, but not yet old enough to give up on life.

I guess itís not easy to date a widow. How can anyone complete with a memory? When you are divorced, the ex-hubby is always around to remind everyone what a S.O.B. he is: Late with the alimony payments, flaunting the latest woman that he picked up who knows where, forgetting the kidsí visitation day. But when heís dead, he canít aggravate you any more. He gave you all he hadÖ nothing to criticize there.

Then the kids grow up and leave home and youíre all alone with nothing but your pension to keep you warm... Talk about an empty web! So what do you do? Sit home on your pedestal and cry? Marry and throw your monthly pension check out the window? Or kill your mother, shame your family, and live in sin? I know what you are thinking - you naughty person, you!

So, I met someone, at last - on the Internet! We have a lot in common. Heís a Yankee - Iím a rebel. Heís Jewish - Iím Protestant; he has a dog - I have a cat; he has an SUV - I have a sports car; he eats Kosher - I eat ham. You can see why we were attracted to each other. But, we both have Gateway computers. The question is: Is that enough to base a long-term relationship on?

Well, thank you for listening to my problems. Donít worry about me - Iím a survivor. Besides, I never did look good in black. Iíll just sit here quietly on my pedestal and try not to fall off or do anything else to remind you we are all mortal.

Just do me one favor. Donít be afraid to talk about death. 

And call me single, call me unmarried, call me a spinster - oh, hell, call me a widow - who cares?


Copyright 1999 Sheila Moss
 
 



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