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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Smooth Turkey Day....
 


Plan Ahead for a Smooth Turkey Day


Day 1 - I think I'll have everyone to my house for Thanksgiving this year. It will be fun to have the family all together! I have nearly two weeks to make plans, so I'll get everything ready ahead of time.

Day 2
- Call and invite everyone and ask him or her to bring a dish. Mom will bring green beans, but is it okay if she just brings them in the can? Sis is on a diet and can only eat lettuce. Daughter will bring dessert since pumpkin pies are on sale at Kroger's. Daughter #2 will bring a can of cranberry sauce. Son will be eating with his wife's family first. Don't wait dinner.

Day 3 - Where is the turkey roaster? I know I used to have one. I can't find the meat thermometer either. How do you cook a turkey anyhow? It's been so long I don't remember. Do they come with directions? Good thing I'm planning ahead.

Day 4 - Make up grocery list. Rob a bank and then go buy everything I will need.

Day 5- Take turkey out of freezer and start letting it thaw. Only one week left until the big day!

Day 6 - Plan ahead for using leftovers. I'll probably be stuck with 20 pounds of cold turkey. Try to find recipes for turkey hash, turkey potpie, turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey salad, and turkey casserole.

Day 7 - Drag out all the good china that is packed away and wash it. Polish the tarnished silver. Maybe we could just use paper plates and napkins with a nice picture of a turkey next time?

Day 8 - Pumpkin-scented candles will make a nice centerpiece for the table as long we don't forgot to blow them out and burn the house down like Aunt Mary did a few years ago.

Day 9 - Do I have enough extra chairs? Oh, my, gosh! Let's see, I can use the ones from the card table, the typing chair with wheels from the computer desk, the rocking chair from the bedroom, and the small stepladder from the garage if worse comes to worse.

Day 10 - Continue looking for stupid recipe book with sweet potato recipe and how-to-cook-a-turkey directions. Clean out kitchen cabinets and drawers. Finally find recipe book behind the pots. Oh, well, the cabinets needed cleaning anyhow.

Day 11 - Pray that glass dish with sweet potato casserole does not crack in oven after being in refrigerator all night. It was the only one I had that was big enough.

Day 12 - Thanksgiving - PANIC! Turkey is still frozen. Cook it with paper & giblets inside because they won't come out. Fix instant stuffing from a box -- no one will know.

Guests arrive and offer to help after everything is ready. The men only want to watch football on TV. The turkey sticks to the bottom of pan and won't come out. The kids chase the cat and it jumps on table. 

Everything is ready to serve, but no one will come to table until the football game is over. Everyone fills up on the cheese ball and crackers and isn't hungry. They finally eat, brag about how good the dressing is, and suggest that we do it again at Christmas.

I've started a holiday tradition?

After I recover from my heart attack and restart my heart, I suggest that we alternate houses and I offer to bring dessert. No one says anything.

After they leave, I put the battery back in the smoke alarm and feel thankful. No, not because it is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful because they are all gone, the potato casserole didn't crack, I only have 10 pounds of leftover turkey, the football game is over, and I remembered to blow out the candles.


Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
 
 



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