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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Clockorcism....
 


The Clockorcism


My alarm clock hates me! It has an evil plan to do me in. Like most people, I do not like waking up for work in the morning. But if I must be awakened; let it be by music. So, I bought a clock radio. It was cute, white and feminine, with a built in nightlight and many cute buttons for me to push.

It worked fine for a while, but at about the same time the warranty ended, it began to push MY buttons. First, the radio function died and turned into screeching static. Well, I thought, at least the alarm function still works. Yes, it worked, beeping at the top of its voice every morning beeping loudly, just like a trash truck backing up. Now, I wake up every morning to the music of a garbage truck backing over me.

The worse part, however, is that the clock refuses to die. After being turned off, the alarm waits ten minutes and comes back on. Snooze alarm? No, even when the OFF button is hit, the stupid clock comes back on in ten minutes, shrieking and beeping obscenely. Even after two or three times of being turned off, the clock continues to come back on and beep.

As if the beeping alone is not enough, the night-light comes on when the alarm goes off. It flashes like a neon sign, as the beeping truck sound becomes louder and louder. It practically jumps up and down on the night table screaming at me to wake up. How I hate that clock!

In another diabolical twist, the little red PM light and the little red alarm light are one and the same, making it remarkably easy to set the alarm time wrong by 12 hours. And I thought all those buttons were so cute! Somehow, I just know that it is part of the evil plan and the clock enjoys it when I set the alarm wrong, oversleep and am late for work.

The demon possessed clock must go. One of these days I will snatch it up, beeping, blinking and spouting static like a disco club. Laughing hysterically, I will throw it in the trashcan, smashing it to smithereens. 

That is my secret plan. But first, I must have a new alarm clock, maybe one with dual alarms, big numbers, and NO nightlight. One that has never heard of garbage trucks! But its too late to go shopping now. Could someone give me a wakeup call? It will be bedtime soon, and the demon clock is waiting.



Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss
 
 



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