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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Diva's Thanksgiving....
 




Too Much Thanksgiving?


-You can't believe you spent 10 hours cooking it and they ate it in 10 minutes.

-You check your popup timer to see if it's really over.

-When you hear the word leftovers, you call 911.

-You lock the door so your relatives don't come back.

-Your turkey was generic, but guests "Can't believe it's not Butterball."

-Your oven is passing a petition against you.

-Your grocery store sends you fan mail instead of coupons.

-You got a smoke detector as a hostess gift.

-You haven't slept since you bought the turkey.

-You fell asleep after Thanksgiving with your apron on.

-You forgot to baste the turkey but it promised not to tell.

-You had pumpkin pie for breakfast this morning.

-Your dishwasher is having hot flashes.

-You can't open the refrigerator because leftovers will fall out.

-You have re-occurring flash-backs of eating too much.

-You would like to jog it off, but you can't bend over to put on your jogging shoes.

-You buy a lifetime supply of paper plates and swear you'll never wash dishes again.

-You make a donation to Save the Turkeys and become a vegan.

-Your garbage disposer doesn't want any more leftovers either.

-You wonder if Thanksgiving is actually a holiday invented by supermarkets.

-You are grateful that no one has invented a recipe for chocolate covered turkey (yet).

-You have to eat without forks because all the silverware is in the dishwasher.

-You call your leftovers the Butterball Mystery Meat.

-You eat fast food hamburgers the next day because anything is better than turkey.

-Thanksgiving is the only time you get to recycle all your good china.

-You know all the pots fit in the cabinet before, so why don't they fit now?

-The stove has gone on strike for better working conditions.

-The local grocery store wants to adopt you.

-Your turkey roaster is insured against theft, fire, and explosion.

-Foodmart now owns the mortgage on your home.

-You're so tired, you don't even mind watching football on TV.

-Your goal in life is to teach someone else to "do" Thanksgiving.

-You do not eat for three days because heating up leftovers is too much work.

-Shopping after Thanksgiving is not your idea of the way to work off overeating.

-You wouldn't go shopping if they were giving away Toys R Us.

-You wonder what to do with the turkey bones to keep the trash can from complaining.

-Your house has been designated a national turkey memorial site.

-You wonder what they eat for Thanksgiving in Turkey.

-Pumpkin scented candles give you a pumpkin scented migraine.

-You think Black Friday should be called Good Friday because Thanksgiving is over.

-If they think a turkey can gobble, they should see your family at the table.

-Amazing how your smoke detector shorted out exactly when the turkey finished cooking.

-No use crying over spilt gravy, unless you slip and fall in it.

-If the potatoes boil over, think of it as an excuse to clean the stove.

-You wonder if it's possible to have a candied sweet potato hangover.

-You would appreciate the compliments if they were not followed by "See ya next year."

-Your favorite things are turkey sandwiches, turkey soup and turkey pot pie,
because they mean Thanksgiving is finished.

-You're wondering if the turkey is the turkey or if you are.

-If you think you are upset by Thanksgiving, consider the turkey.


Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
 
 



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