Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
Iím Not Fat, Iím Super Size
Did you read the news this week about how
obesity will soon be the leading cause of preventable death?
Yeah, 425,000 deaths this year and 500,000 projected for next
Here I thought I was being really smart by not smoking and
remembering to fasten my seat belt. but now theyíve turned the
tables on me. If smoking does not do me in, Iíll be done in by
my very own fat.
Whatís a couch potato to do? Do you suppose Iím actually
going to have to get off my bottom and exercise? Sweat? I much
prefer setting in front of a computer and reading about
exercise. The mere thought of exercise out wears me out.
Wasnít it enough of a shock when McDonaldís quit super
sizing their fries? Now, I suppose, I not only canít have
super size, but I really should not be having any size. Iím
supposed lay off the junk food and eat more healthy food Ė gross stuff like vegetables and skim milk.
Iíll admit Iíve put on a few pounds in the wrong places
lately, but I was hoping no one would notice. And if they did, I
was hoping they would be too polite to mention it. Now here it
is on the front page of the paper. The whole world knows that
big buns come from bad diet and lack of exercise. Itís
Of course, itís not as if I donít know better. Itís just
the snacks and extras that are killing me. Oh, gosh, I said it
again. They really ARE killing me! Itís not just a figure of
speech any more.
Maybe I should just get out that aerobic exercise video and dust
it off if I can find it. It did have some pretty good exercises
on it. That might be better that walking since itís easy for
me to find an excuse not to walk Ė itís too cold, too hot,
raining, or dark. The weather nearly always cooperates to help
keep me fat.
But heart attack, diabetes, stroke? I donít like the sound of
it. Maybe I should skip that ice cream after dinner and those
weekend breakfasts at Cholesterol Barrel. Itís gonna be hard.
Iím too used to indulging myself and being lazy. And the
longer I wait, the harder it seems to be to get started.
I need to do it. Itís do or die Ė er Ė thereís that word
again! No more fried foods. Low fat dairy and yogurt instead of
ice cream. I know what it takes. Itís just that I have this
aversion to working out when Iíve already been working in all
I know all the good excuses. I canít help being overweight.
Itís not what I eat; itís how my body metabolizes the food
that matters. Going without food gives me a headache. I get
tired. I get grouchy, and on and on. You donít buy it, huh? I
didnít think so. Iíve let myself slip into bad habits, being
too busy to eat right and too tired to exercise.
The thought of death by obesity is not a pleasant one, though,
especially since itís preventable. Iím going to start
tomorrow. Why not today? Well, maybe someone will come along
with a magic pill to make people lose weight and stop smoking.
In fact, there was another article right next to the first one.
That sort of timing canít be a coincidence.
A new pill for those without willpower is expected to be
released in two years. In the meantime, news reports say that
the public will be educated that calories do count. Calorie
counts will be shown on food products and nutritional values on
restaurant menus. It seems there is a conspiracy to make us
healthy and take away our fat grams. But a truly dedicated couch
potato never gives up hope.
Okay, make mine a veggie burger and soy shake, and super size
Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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