You are receiving this notice as part of our continuing
effort to fight unsolicited commercial email, commonly known as
SPAM. Using SpamWham! , an innovative new computer technology
recently developed, we are now able to automatically wham SPAM.
SpamWham! will significantly reduce the intrusion of
unwanted commercial mail into your inbox. It will automatically
delete SPAM messages, duplicate them one thousand times, and
return them to the sender with the following message: "You
have been whammed by SpamWham! ". It will then
automatically delete your email address from the spammer's
While we will make our best efforts to wham only unsolicited
commercial email from your inbox, it is possible we may
occasionally wham a message that you have requested. No matter
what gets whammed, however, you can be sure that your SpamWham!
Weekly Newsletter will make it though any type of filter ever
This innovative new technology will not only prevent
intrusion of unwanted email into your computer inbox; it will
also protect your telephone privacy. It will answer your
incoming calls and delete calls from telemarketers. It will use
callback to automatically return the call one thousand times,
jamming the telemarketer's switchboard, and rendering them
unable to make any more calls for a period of 24 hours.
A small, nearly invisible SpamWham! filter on your
regular mailbox can also check and sort your snail mail,
automatically removing legitimate letters while flipping AOL CD
disks into the trash can unopened. It can open and shred up
commercial junk mail messages, stuff them into the return
envelopes, and stamp them "Return to Sender Postage
In addition, SpamWham! filter can read newspapers and
advertising circulars, automatically clipping and saving any articles on
subjects in which you have expressed an interest, while rolling
the remaining paper into usable firelogs for your fireplace and
stacking them by your back door.
In the kitchen a SpamWham! filter on your water system
will remove dangerous chemicals, and produce purified, clean,
and sparkling water. A SpamWham! filter on your washing
machine will sort whites and colors, remove spots and stains,
and leave your clothes looking whiter and brighter.
in the bathroom will soften the water, remove mineral
deposits, and prevent rings in the bathtub without scrubbing. It
will also automatically write and email complaint letters to
your metropolitan utility company.
A SpamWham! filter for your furnace will remove pollen,
dust and mold from the air, the pollutants that cause most
allergic reactions in hypersensitive individuals. It will also
filter out dangerous oxides, hydrocarbons, and particulates from
the air that you breathe. It will vacuum cat hair from the
furniture and clean the kitty litter box, creating a safer and
healthier environment for your family.
Could your computers memory contain unsolicited
pornography without you knowing about it? SpamWham! will
scan your computers memory, remove all references to porn,
gambling and alcohol, and leave your computer as clean and
innocent as a newborn babe.
SpamWham! will prevent children from viewing undesirable
content on the Internet by checking their I.D. and blocking the
entrance into adult chat rooms of anyone under the age of 18. It
will also make a mug shot and record the fingerprints of those
attempting to enter and e mail the information to their parents.
Please note that we provide the SpamWham! Filtering and
Deletion System as a service to our users. If users do not want
to use the service, they may opt-out. We make no warranties and
disclaim any liability in connection with your use or inability
to use this service.
We believe that SpamWham! will significantly reduce the
intrusion of unsolicited messages into your life. Should you
want to reject this service, please accept our apology for
trying, and pardon us for living! Forward a message to Customer
Care and we will assure that as much SPAM as possible is
directed your way.
Your Friendly ISP