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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Smart Phone....
 


Are You Smarter than Your Smart Phone?


I lost my phone today. . . again. I think maybe I am not smart enough to have a smart phone. I am a loser. I first missed it at work this morning. I always put it in my pocket so it will be handy if it rings. I dug and dug in my purse, but it wasn't there. I was not too worried. I must have left it at home. Drat it! No checking email at lunch today or surfing the internet. It was an aggravation, but I would survive.

As soon as I got home after work, I looked in the pockets of the coat I wore the day before. No phone. Well, maybe I left it in my pants pockets. I searched them and all the other pants in my closet - just in case. No luck.

Call the phone! It will ring and I can find it. I called and it went straight to voicemail. Either the battery was dead or someone had turned it off. My heart sank. However, Apple devices have this neat app on them called Find iPhone. It picks up the phone's signal and tells you the location of your phone. I clicked Find my PhoneŁ but it only found my iPad, the one in my hands.

Did you know that Find iPhone only works if the phone is turned on? Last time I lost it the app located it in the car. The car? That's an idea. I went outside and searched the car. It wasn't there. This time I had really lost it. Maybe someone would find it and return it? Yeah, right, someone will turn in an iPhone? Why did I have to buy a smart phone?

I'm not smart enough to have a smart phone. If it is lost, I am going to do without a phone. I know I am telling a lie, but it makes me feel better. Sometimes phones turn up later. We found my granddaughter's phone behind the bed a month after it was lost. The bed? Did I look behind the bed? I looked again, also under the bed, and under the blankets, sheets and pillows.

I was starting to panic. "I lost my phone," I told Honey.

"Is it in your purse?"
"No"
"Did you look in your coat pockets?"
"Yes"
"How about the car?"
"Yes"

He continued naming off all the places I had already looked. Sometimes something turns up where you have already looked, so I looked again. How often have I found my lost debit card in my purse, right where it was the entire time it was lost?

In desperation I looked everywhere, under the sofa cushions, under my desk and even in the refrigerator. No use - I'm a loser. It's gone!

So, I did what I always tell my kids to do. "Sit down and think back to every place you've been since you had it." I looked in the bathroom where I made a pit stop, in my daughter's room where I sat for a few minutes and talked to her. Then I had changed clothes into something more comfortable - wait a minute. Where are those clothes?

I searched the dirty laundry - no phone. But no dirty sweat pants either. That's odd - I've lost my pants too? How could I lose my pants? If I can find my pants, I can find my phone, I'll bet. Then I remembered the hook on the back of the bathroom door where I hung them when I took a shower. I ran to check.

Yes, the phone was in the pocket. I found it!

The phone was dead as the proverbial door nail. When I put it on the charger, the alarm sounded to tell me it was found, as if I didn't know.

And that's the story of how I outsmarted my smart phone. . . at least this time.


Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss
 
 



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