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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Shop till You Drop....
 


Shop till You Drop

Summer is here and my summer wardrobe is sadly lacking, in fact, almost non-existent due to the extra pounds put on during the winter while wearing bulky sweaters. I am so tired of pinning skirts shut because the buttons donít quite reach and spending the day trying not to breathe because a button or seam might pop. So, I go shopping.

The older I become the more of a hassle shopping seems to be. My stamina just isnít what it once was, and the malls suddenly seem so much larger than they used to be. Anyhow, I accidentally find a store that is being remodeled and jump right into the deed at hand. Everything is 33% to 40% off to make up for the inconvenience of the remodeling dust. Who cares if there is tile on the floor or a few sheets of plastic hanging around when there are bargains to be found?

Shopping fever comes quickly, and in no time at all I am digging though those racks looking for outfits like a wild woman. The thing that amazes me most about womenís clothing is all the large flowers and horizontal stripes on clothing intended for the "mature" woman. Donít designers know that we already are big enough; we donít want to look like an upholstered sofa!

Looking for the right outfit in the right color that fits perfectly and doesnít make one look fat is so exciting! I had forgotten how much fun it is. What a thrill it is to find the perfect outfit, especially when it is marked down. In fact, it is such a thrill that I can't seem to stop. I keep finding more and more perfect outfits. It isn't easy, mind you. I am looking for separates. When I find pants in the right size, there is never a coordinated top to fit, and vise versa. Bargain shopping is really a challenge.

Five hours later when my adrenaline buzz wears off and I return to sanity, I realize that I have prowled through everything in the store several times, tried on most of it, and found twice as many perfect outfits as I can afford. My feet are suddenly killing me and I am starving to death. Shopping where there is no carpeting may be great for the pocketbook, but standing on hard concrete for hours sure is tough on the feet.

My problem now is to decide on which outfits to keep and which will have to go back to the rack. It is a painful decision. The only thing worse for a woman than going shopping and NOT finding ANYTHING is going shopping and having EVERYTHING look great! Oh, the pure torment of leaving a gorgeous outfit there in the store to be scooped up by someone else who vanity assures me will certainly not look half as nice in it as I would.

My feet are killing me by the time I limp out of there. I will soon recover. Nothing makes a woman feel quite as secretly pleased as successful day of shopping. I can hardly wait to go to work on Monday. I will be a fashion parade in the office this week -- so cute and fashionable in my new Capri pants and two piece matching coordinates. They wonít know that my new outfits are off the bargain rack, and even if they do, who cares? That will only make them more envious than ever.

The trouble with shopping is that you always want to shop more. One day is just enough to whet the appetite. Iíve always heard that the best way to save money is stay out of stores. You canít want it if you never see it. Too late for that, Iím afraid. Iíve seen it, and I want it ALL. Iíve gone from rag woman to fashion icon in a matter of hours. Iíve got to stop myself! One day at the mall and Iím a compulsive shopper. How many new outfits can I wear anyhow?

Letís see, Iíll just try on this blue outfit one more time and see how it looks. Some matching shoes really would be nice, though.


Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
 
 



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