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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Shooting the Breeze...
 


Shooting the Breeze


Thereís nothing worse when shooting the breeze than asking a question that canít be answered gracefully, especially if you want to get on someone's good side.

With that in mind, weíve decided to help those Yankees or others who have moved south. We want them to learn to how talk to Southerners and not to ask nosey questions that will get them in trouble with the locals.

Here is a short list of things you should never ask in the South when conducting business or in friendly social relationships - especially if you suspect the person you are talking to might be redneck or white trash.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A SOUTHERNER

Iíve never been in a house with wheels before.

Just sign right here on the dotted line.

Whose old rusty heap is that parked out front?

My brother works for the Department of Revenue.

Mind if I see your driverís license?

Who dumped that old washing machine in your back yard?

How many children do you have?

Could I borrow your lawn mower?

Whenís your next high school reunion?

But what will you do with your old couch?

I hear they are going union down at the factory.

I knew your sister Norma Jean before she settled down.

Nice dog you got there Ė is it friendly?

Read any good books lately?

Whoís cooking those stinking turnip greens?

Whatís that boiler for out behind your shed?

Youíre gonna do the right thing and marry her, arenít you?

You sure have a lot of cats around here, donít you?

What happened to the possum you ran over in the road?

Guess you knew hunting season has ended already?

Nice string of fish you have there Ė whatís the limit on bass?

Got any beer left?

That shotgun isnít loaded is it?

Why do you have a pool table in your kitchen?

What about the auto transmission?

Do any of these TVís work?

I know a guy that will tow those junk cars for you,

Did you know somebody taped wrestling on all your VCRís?

Whatís that big number 3 on your hat for?


Hope this provides some insight into the Southern culture and helps you learn to mind your manners when youíre on anotherís turf. If you know better than to use annoying statements in polite redneck company - congratulations! We are proud of you for understanding Southerners so well. If you hang
around here long enough shooting the breeze, you are well on the way to becoming just like we are.

Thank you for visiting, and please donít trip over the spittoon on your way out.


Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
 
 



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