Humor Columnist

HOMEBESTCOLUMNSHUMORARCHIVESCONTACT
 
 HOME

 COLUMNIST

 BEST

 COLUMNS

 ARCHIVES

 HUMOR 

 EDITOR  INFO

 FIREFLIES

 LONDON 

 EGYPT SERIES

 NEW ENGLAND

 FRIENDS

 LINK TO US

 WEB RINGS

 LINKS

 LINK SWAP

 SUBSCRIBE

 CONTACT

Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

    Follow her on 
Facebook and Twitter.


 

Follow me on Facebook 
Sheila Moss


Create Your Badge
Write on my Wall

   
National Society of
Newspaper Columnists

HumorColumnist.com
Online Since 1999

Self-Service World...
 


Self-Service World

An acquaintance of mine mentioned how much he hated standing in line at the convenience market to pay for gas. Invariably there is someone buying lottery tickets and three packs of cigarettes -- and then scratching off the tickets before leaving the counter while he continues to wait. What about "pay at the pump"?

I think credit card scanners on gas pumps are one of the greatest timesaving inventions ever invented, as I no longer have to go inside to pay for gas. When real "service stations" went the way of the dinosaur, I became accustomed to inconvenience. At first, I thought "pay at the pump" only worked if you wanted to buy gas on credit. Then I found that bankcards also work and they can zap the money right out of your checking account.

I haven't been inside a gas station or convenience store since. 

In the interest of saving time, I've learned to use those digital scanners at Wal-Mart and the grocery stores with exactly the right flick of the wrist to scan the card right. The trouble is that every business seems to have a slightly different machine, and it is so easy to accidentally push the wrong button and end up canceling the entire transaction.

I'm sure the day is coming when no one will carry cash at all, just plastic cards.

Automation reached a new low, however, when self-service checkout aisles were installed at my local Wal-Mart. With this new "convenience" you get to scan your own groceries instead of standing in a checkout line. Just as I was getting used to shopping carts that were unloaded by the cashier, these idiotic self-service scanners came along to destroy my composure again.

I've noticed that I'm not the only one who avoids them. For some unfathomable reason these machines seem to hate me. I scan my item. The computer sits there stupidly doing nothing. Eventually it says, "Scan your first item." But I already did! What to do now, scan it again and get charged twice? "Put the item in the bag," says the machine. But I already have! "Put the item in the bag," it says again. So, I take it out and do it again, just to make a machine happy. "Scan the item before putting it in the bag!" shouts the machine while everyone turns to look at me as if I'm a shoplifter.

No wonder these self-service machines are avoided like debris is on the Interstate.

No doubt a Yankee invented these stupid machines. Southern machines would have better manners and speak our language: "Y'all scan yer item now. Take your time, honey, don't get your britches in a wad." This would be so much more customer friendly.

Speaking of talking machines, the ATM machine at the local Bank of America used to have a British accent. I called it the Princess Di ATM. I guess they eventually figured out why everyone was snickering --- It is Bank of AMERICA, isn't it? . 

They finally got rid of it in favor of one of those touch-the-screen things. It doesn't talk; it only pings. Reminds me of a clown with a horn. I'm afraid if I do something wrong it will squirt me with seltzer. This is obviously another Yankee innovation.

What an ATM machine in the South should say is something like: "Howdy, y'all! Welcome to Bank of America, southern style. Just put your deposit down yonder in the slot, hon. Here's some of your hard-earned money back to spend. Y'all be sure and come see us again. Ya hear?"

Corporations are so out of touch with the real world and real people. They really need to get out from behind those desks and see what real people talk like, don't they?


Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
 
 



Get the
Humor Columnist Newsletter


Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN  37219
E-Mail

AVAILABLE  NOW


E-Mail
Autographed Copy
$5.00 + $4 shipping



Buy it now!
$5.00 + shipping
E-Mail

      home · best . columns · humor · archives · contact  
    © Copyright 1999-2015 Sheila Moss - All rights reserved - © Template by thetemplatestore.com
The copyright for this website and the material on this website are owned by Sheila Moss.
You may request permission to use the copyrighted materials on this website by writing to Sheila Moss.
Use of these copyrighted materials without written permission may result in legal action against you.