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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Rain, Rain, Go Away!....
 


Rain, Rain, Go Away!

I woke up this morning and heard the rain. "Itís pouring," I thought, half asleep. The sound of the rain is louder than the sound of the alarm clock. I turn over in bed and put the pillow over my head, knowing that sooner or later I will have to get up, but hoping that it is only a dream. A little rain is okay, but three days in a row is more than I need or want.

I turn on the weather channel to get a forecast. Why is the television radar always in slow motion? They need to put it in fast forward so that this rain front will move through faster. Flash flood warnings are scrolling across the screen.  Rivers and streams just donít want to stay in their banks when the rain keeps pouring down like this. You know itís a bad morning when the weatherman doesnít make it to work. With all this extra water, what we really need is a plan to send it some place, like maybe Afghanistan.

I manage to drag myself out of bed and get ready for work, rain or no rain. I hope for the best, prepare for the worst and wonder if I should pack a bathing suit and snorkel in my lunch bag. I dig out my raincoat and canít find my umbrella, then remember I left it in the car. That figures. If I only had a motorboat I could probably get to work faster and beat the traffic too. 

Traffic will be terrible this morning. I donít know why it is that people seem to panic when there is rain. Traffic crawls. I vaguely wonder how long a car will float before it sinks. My wiper blades could really use a re-tread. I reach for my travel cup of coffee and turn it over on the seat. What a mess, but I gotta keep both hands on the wheel before that eight-wheeler in the passing lane throws water on the windshield and blows me off the road.  

There is never any parking on a morning like this. I should have stayed home from work to fish in that new lake that formed in my back yard last night. I drive round and round in the parking garage. It seems that everybody wants to park in the garage on a day like this, even the amateurs. Some idiot stops in front of me and starts backing up. Where am I supposed to go? There are cars behind me! I give 'em a beep and their car springs forward like a jackrabbit. I feel a bit guilty. Horns sure sound loud in the parking garage.

I park and get out of the car, collecting my possessions as I watch the elevator fill up with people and leave. That means a long wait until it returns. I hurry to push the button again. Other people gather, impatiently waiting. We are on the bottom level, too far from the exit to consider stairs. Finally, the elevator comes, and we all crowd on, damp, miserable and thrilled to be at work. I wonder if there is a lifeguard aboard.

Rain comes down in torrents as I start my walk to the office building. I pop my umbrella open and notice Iím out of style with my old newsprint umbrella. Thanks to the Titans, blue and white stripes seem to be the new umbrella fashion color of choice. Youíd think there would be more newsprint umbrellas. With this sort of weather it is worth subscribing to the local paper to get an umbrella for free.

Where is the handsome man that always comes along in the rain in the movies and helps the lady across the street with his huge umbrella, before he invites her to have a cup of coffee? A redneck pulling a motorboat behind his pickup truck is more likely to get the girls on a day like this around here.

No Prince Charming for me, just a city bus to dodge before it sends a sheet of water cascading over the curb. Dumb bus driver! I dodge puddles trying to keep the water out of my shoes while struggling to keep at least the top of my head dry with my out of fashion umbrella. Iíd be willing to row if someone had a canoe.

Slick floors in the building, wet people with dripping coats and umbrellas slide into the elevators. If a wet T-shirt contest breaks out in the office, weíll be ready. I sure hope this dismal weather doesnít last forever. This isnít rain; itís a gully washer. Iím so wet it would take a pretzel machine to wring me out.

I canít even remember life before rain. I somehow feel as if it will never quit. I only pray that the animals are not beginning to gather someplace two by two.


Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss

 
 



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Sometimes it takes more than ordinary umbrellas to keep things dry from the pouring rain during a storm. Patio umbrellas and large market umbrellas will keep your patio furniture as dry as possible. Don't forget a sturdy umbrella stand to make sure strong winds won't blow your umbrella away.


Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN  37219
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