Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
to republish an
article, please contact her. It's that easy.
Follow her on
Follow me on Facebook
Create Your Badge
Write on my Wall
Online Since 1999
||The Online Dating Site....
The Online Dating Site
played what they thought was a hilarious joke and subscribed me
to a free online dating service called ChristianMingle. I
thought it was a law that email subscriptions must give you a
link to unsubscribe. However, I clicked the unsubscribe link and
it took me to the web site with no way to quit.
So, I thought maybe if I signed in I could unsubscribe. I had no
password so I had to use the reset password feature. I then
signed in with a new password. It would not let me unsubscribe
until I filled in a profile page. (You see where this is going,
This website is like the Hotel California; you can check in but
you can't check out.
I thought maybe if I filled out the worst possible profile,
something like "I am uggggly, forget to show up for dates,
and my hobby is acupuncture," that no one would bother me.
But, I had trouble thinking of things that were bad enough, and
I didn't want to say anything that might sound true. After all,
there are real people out there, trying to meet other real
I figured a bunch of humorists might be able to write a profile
to help get me out of this, so I asked some of my funny friends
for suggestions to keep me from getting date offers from escaped
cons, terrorists, or child molesters. This is the profile that I
ended up with.
SWF, earnestly seeking a life partner whose jagged edges are a
close fit with my own. A pulse would be good, but it doesn't
have to be a strong one. It is ok if you do not have a job as it
could impact my numerous government subsidies. I am a good catch
because with so many children, I qualify for every government
subsidy there is. By the way, one has to worry about my grown
children coming to
visit, even if they do get out of prison. They do not know my
ABOUT ME: I am so happy to have found a dating service that
would take people without any restrictions. I am a caring
person, very much into rescue animals, or I will be again soon,
right after the current court order expires. I have 2 years left
on parole, but my parole office said it would be ok to date and
besides the murder charge was not for me really; I just carried
the shovels and dug the holes.
I am a size XXL so I have room to stash my "purchases"
from my "five-finger discount" shopping. I live in a
lovely 12 room mansion in LA; unfortunately, it is in
foreclosure. My hair dresser said my hair will grow back within
a year, and the color chartreuse isn't really so bad on a woman
my size with my coloring. I tower over guys, even those who are
6 feet, but it's only because I love wearing 5" heels.
My favorite pastime is listening to bagpipes and saxophone music
at the same time. (Doesn't everybody?) I have four mastiffs that
have the run of the house, but they become quiet when I play
head-banging music at the loudest volume possible. I claim them
as dependents and buy dog food with food stamps.
If interested in a woman that will always be a challenge,
contact any one of a hundred agencies and ask for Bubbles. They
all know me. Please call between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM as
that is my best time of the day.
I continue to receive emails from ChristianMingle with offers
for dates with men half my age, even without a profile. Now I'm
worried. What would I do if they took me seriously and found a
perfect match for my spoof profile?
- 0 -
Special thanks to Humor Columnists Don Stewart, Sharon Dillon,
JC Owen and Wanda Argsinger for profile contributions to this
Copyright Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
$5.00 + $4 shipping
Buy it now!
$5.00 + shipping