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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Murphy's Laws for Mothers...
 


Murphy's Laws for Mothers

 Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you donít..

A motherís love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably wonít know either, but she will fake it.

Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.

The more you try to stay on your motherís good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.

The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.

If you canít remember whether or not you called your mother, you didnít.

The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you donít repeat them.

Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.

Never criticize your motherís cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

You canít "out mother" your mother. Donít even try.

Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

All motherís have a "How To" manual. Thatís because they wrote the book.

Motherís way is best. If you donít believe it, ask her.

Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isnít.

One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.

If you donít have time to study the driversí manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.

When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.

The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.

No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.

If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.

The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.

Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.

Never forget who rocked you as a baby. Thatís something else you will never be able to repay her for.

Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after youíve already done it.

The longer itís been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.

No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.

The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.

If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.

You never are as good as other peopleís children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.

The only thing more accurate than a motherís advice is her memory of the times you didnít take it.

The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.

Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.

If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isnít doing it well.

There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.

Mothers always "know." We donít know how - they just do.

Murphyís mother told him so.


Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
 
 



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