I Don’t Do Mornings!

I’m not a morning person, never have been, never will be.  I just don’t seem to be able to wake up in the morning.  Here is the way a typical morning goes at my house:

Alarm clock sounds

He:  Woke up before alarm went off and is already in shower running water.

Me:  “Groan"…  Hit snooze alarm and turn over.

He:  Continues to run water.  It sounds like Niagara Falls in the bathroom.

Me:  Alarm goes off; I hit snooze alarm again and put pillow over my head.

He:  Runs electric razor and electric toothbrush.  It sounds like a chainsaw massacre in the bathroom.

Me:  I give up and get out of bed.

He:  Finishes with personal grooming and gets dressed.

Me:  Drag myself to the bathroom, put head on bathroom counter and go back to sleep.

He:  Goes to kitchen for coffee.  Alarm that I forgot to turn off buzzes.

Me:  Brush teeth, consider taking a shower.

He:  Goes to computer to check email.

Me:  Decide I really have to get wet if I want to take a shower.  Try to get over it.

He:  Does mysterious things with the faucets that cause my water to run hot and cold in the shower.

Me:  Look for anything to wear that doesn’t need to be ironed - anything.

He: Turns on television.  It sounds like a rock music festival out there.

Me:  "It’s too early.  Oh, my head.  I need coffee and aspirin."

He:  Changes channel on TV. and starts laughing.  How can anyone laugh at this hour of  morning?

Me:  Crawl around on closet floor looking for two shoes that match.

He:  “Your coffee is ready in the kitchen.”

Me:  Open tuna cat food and feed screaming cat that sounds like a mountain lion in heat.

He:  Watches more TV and waits for me to get ready.

Me:  Look for hairbrush and fix hair.

He:  “Are you ready to go?”

Me:  “Go???  I have to put on makeup!”  I don’t know why.  No amount of makeup can help at six o’clock in the morning.  It’s inhuman to be up so early.

He:  "Hurry up!  It’s time to leave!"

Me:  "If you can’t wait for me to get ready, just go on!"

He:  Gets his lunch out of fridge that he made the day before.

Me:  Look in fridge and try to find something without mold to take for lunch.

He:  Puts dogs outside.

Me:  Can’t find purse.

He:  "We have to leave or we will be late."

Me:  “Have you seen my purse?”

He:  "It’s on the chair where you left it."

Me:  Drag lunch and purse to car.

He:  Turns on radio to a too jolly-in-the-morning DJ.

Me:  Drink coffee from car mug and try to keep eyes open.

He:  Stomps on accelerator and screeches out of driveway towards Interstate.

Me:  Mr. Caffeine kicks in at last and I begin to feel almost human.

It wouldn’t be so bad if only morning didn’t come so early and so often.

I just don’t do mornings.