Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
What to Do With a Brass Moose
thieves stole 18 lawn statues including a 600
pound brass moose, the Associated Press reported this week.
People in California must be pretty strange; I don't know anybody in my
neighborhood with a lawn statue, much less a 600 pound brass moose. In
Tennessee, my redneck neighbors would probably use it for target practice.
The paper said that the work of art would likely be melted down and sold
for scrap metal. It seems that there must be more creative ways to use a
600 pound moose than that. With scrap metal selling for only 78 cents a
pound, it hardly seems worth the trouble.
I thought maybe I could think of some alternatives and help save a work of
Put it beside the front door of your home and use it for a coat tree or
hat rack. Of course, you would need plenty of room for a bass moose that
big. If you live in the South, you could put it on the front porch beside
the couch and old washing machine.
Around here people are always looking for something to hold their
mailboxes that can't be knocked down by mailbox bashers or backed over
by the neighbors across the street. The moose would look great beside the
driveway holding your mailbox. You could plant climbing ivy on it and let
it wind around the antlers. Or, if you are in a big hurry, you could use
kudzu, the vine that ate the South.
In the back yard you might use it for a bird perch or let the bird use the
antlers to build nests. You could even use it to hang your Rock City
birdhouse. Conversely, you could put it in the garden and use it as a
scare-crow moose. Be aware it might make a handy pit stop for pets in the
absence of fire hydrants.
Of course, it would be a great addition to a children's playground.
Children would love having a brass moose to ride while playing pretend
cowboy. You could even put rockers on it and make a rocking moose.
At Christmas, you could string mini lights around it and put it on the
lawn for a decoration instead of using reindeer.
Assuming you could get it through the door and have several friends with
strong backs to help move it, there are many uses for a brass moose inside
the house, and I don't mean as a conversation piece either, although it
would definitely be that.
It could be used to hang umbrellas in an entrance hall, or as a coffee mug
rack or pot rack in the kitchen. You could hang towels on it in the
bathroom if, like me, you never seem to have enough empty towel racks. In
the bedroom you could use it for hanging neckties, organizing belts, or to
hold those extra blankets that you don't know what to do with.
You could cut a hole in the wall and stick the head through from outside
to make a trophy wall piece that would really impress the guys from the
lodge. You would not need to shoot it since it is already petrified. The
guys would never know that you do not have a freezer full of moose meat.
In addition to melting statues and selling them for scrap metal, thieves
sometimes resell the statues they steal. Do they put it on Craigslist? Who
buys a brass moose? A lodge, a western wear store, a saddle shop? A
barbecue restaurant? I suppose it would be great to advertise a sale on
moose tracks ice cream, or moose munch popcorn snacks.
Actually, there is only one really good thing I can think of to do with a
600 pound brass moose. That is to put it out on the front lawn and hope
that someone will steal it.
Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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