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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Missing and Presumed Lost....
 

Missing and Presumed Lost


Oh, no, not again! I couldn't find my glasses this morning. Where could they be? I always put them on the night stand by the bed so I can find them when I get up. Occasionally, I put them on the dresser. They were not either place.

I tried not to panic. I know they are here somewhere. I didn't want to have to ask my honey to help me find them. He thinks I'm stupid when I do things like this. I guess I am, but that doesn't mean I want someone else to think so.

Last time I lost my glasses it was awful. I was trying to get ready to go to work.

"I can't find my glasses."

"Where did you have them last?"

"I don't know."

"Where have you looked?"

"Everywhere"

"In your purse?"

"Yes, everywhere." 

I didn't want start looking in crazy places where they couldn't possibly be, like the refrigerator or microwave. Still, when you don't know where something is, it could be any place.

So, honey, bless his heart, started looking and found them on the nightstand beside the bed where I had only looked about three or four times already.

So, that's why I didn't want to ask for help. Finally, I located them all by myself on the floor beside the bed. I must have knocked them off this morning turning off the clock. 
I hate it when I do something stupid like this. 

Usually it is my cell phone that I lose. Apple had a stroke of genius when they included a program called phone finder in the iPhone. Of course, it can't locate things exactly, but it can tell you the general vicinity so you at least know you didn't leave it at the office or grocery store.

The thing I seem to lose most, other than glasses and my cell phone, is credit cards. I use it, stick it in my pocket or purse, and then forget to put it away later. It got so bad at one point that I had to get two or three replacements in a row. Why does the old one only turn up after it has been canceled?

Finally, I learned. "Put it away. No matter how long it takes. No matter how much trouble it is. Put it away."

Keys are the same way. After years of searching for keys all over the house, I have finally learned. "Do not throw them down on a counter or table. Do not put them in your pocket. Do not stick them in a drawer. Put them in your purse. Have one place to keep them and put them there." I have to make a conscious effort but it works. It looks as if I may have to start doing this with glasses.

I can't even keep up with shoes. My crocs had been missing for months when they showed up the other day on my granddaughter's feet.

"Where did you find those crocs?" I had looked everywhere. I had actually given up and planned to buy another pair.

"They were under the bed."

I swear, I know I looked there. How could something be under the bed for six months and not be found? Shows what kind of housecleaning I do.

I am sufficiently humiliated. I plan to move the furniture and clean good behind it this weekend. No telling what I will find other than a dozen cat toys and enough cat hair to create a new cat.

Right now I can't think of anything in particular that is missing. It is almost like a treasure hunt, turning up loose change, ball point pens, screwdrivers, socks with no mate, peanut butter sandwiches, the neighbor's dog. Who knows what else?

If I find any diamond rings or hundred dollar bills, I might try cleaning my house more often.


Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss
 
 



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