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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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I'm so middle-aged....
 


Iím so Middle-aged That...

Okay, I'll admit it.  I'm middle aged, so what?  My eyes are fuzzy and my roots are gray, but I've managed to survive and life should be all downhill from here. Remember, it will happen to all of us sometime, so here's what you have to look forward to:

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My idea of a gourmet meal is a broccoli casserole.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I get news from the newspaper instead of TV.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíd rather sit it out than dance.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I have more invested in root canals than in electronics.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíve learned how to sleep with a snoring partner.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My high school reunion is too depressing to attend.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I eat bran cereal because it's good for my system.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíd rather have a nap than an affair.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My high heel shoes have turn into wedgies.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My idea of a tummy tuck is getting into jeans.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I always take a sweater along Ė just in case of a chill.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My crowís feet are not on a bird.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I think bottled water is a waste of money.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I wear knee-highs instead of panty hose.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
What I canít sanitize I moisturize.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I spend half my shopping time looking for a restroom.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíd rather wait Ďtill the movie comes out on cable.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I volunteer to be carded - even if it's only coke.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
When the phone rings I hope itís a telemarketer.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíd like to get a face lift, but everything else sags too.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I have seamless bifocals to look like I donít need bifocals.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I save plastic bags and reuse them.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Regular coffee is instant enough for me.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I remember when TV had three channels.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I remember when history wasnít on cable.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I donít want anything else if it has to be dusted.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
Iíd rather not have it than go to the mall.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
I canít reach my toenails to paint them red.

Iím so middle-aged thatÖ
My last fling is putting sprinkles on my ice cream.


Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
 
 



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