Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Memo: To All Cats...
Frisky, Feline Escape Artist, Extraordinaire
SUBJECT: Life on
It has come to my attention that many house
cats are content with staying inside and do not know how to
escape the constrictive nature of a life indoors. Therefore,
as an experienced feline with many breakout skills and years
of practice, I feel it is my duty to share some of the
techniques I have learned.
THE CHARGE: This method is relatively simple.
You simply lurk in the vicinity of the door, pretending to
be totally uninterested in the outside world. Sooner or
later, someone will open the door. This is your cue. Charge!
Run out the door as fast as you can, around the human,
between the humans legs, under the humanís feet, whatever
is necessary to accomplish your goal.
THE LURK: This is similar to the charge, but
more effective as humans may become wise to the charge and
start watching for you whenever they go outside. With The
Lurk, you stay near the window and bird watch. Actually, you
are watching for the kids come home from school, your human
to come home from work, or the pizza guy to make a delivery.
As soon as the door is open, you charge outside before they
even see you.
THE STOWAWAY: This is an indirect way to get
outside but the end result is the same. When the human goes
out to the garage, sneak out quietly and hide in the garage.
You must wait patiently until the garage door is opened for
one reason or another. Then you simply walk out and you are
free. Caution: Tuck in your tail and watch for cars backing
out when garage door is open.
THE PUSH: This involves taking advantage of
random opportunity when a door is left cracked open or the
latch does not catch. Simply push against it with the weight
of your body until it opens enough for you to escape. This
technique can also be used on window screens. Be sure to use
it only for windows on the first floor or you may have an
THE PULL: This is used if the door opens
inside into the room. Instead of a push, simply place your
paw under the bottom of the door and pull it toward you
until it opens enough for you to squeeze out. You must
remain vigilant and watch for a push or pull opportunity. It
does not come often, but when it does, it is a prime
opportunity for an easy escape.
THE TURN: Doors are opened by the doorknob. A
clever cat can learn to jump and pull on the side of the
knob until it turns and the door opens. Be sure not to do
this when humans are watching. They will be totally baffled
about how you got outside and think it was their own
negligence. Be aware that it may be very difficult to turn
the knob as cats do not have a thumb. If you are lucky
enough to have a door with a handle instead of a knob, the
task is much easier.
THE SCREAM: You must have strong vocal chords
for this. Simply, sit by the door and howl. Do not be
distracted by attempts to pet you or calm you down. Continue
to meow as loud as you can until you make the humans so
crazy they will actually open the door and throw you
outside. Use this method only as a last resort as humans may
lock you in the basement instead to shut you up.
I hope these instructions will be helpful to
you. If you have questions, email me and I will try to help
with your individual situation. Good luck and enjoy your
brief time outside before the humans catch you and drag you
Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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