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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Memo: To All Cats...
 


MEMO: To All Cats

MEMO

TO: All Cats

FROM: Frisky, Feline Escape Artist, Extraordinaire

SUBJECT: Life on the Outside

It has come to my attention that many house cats are content with staying inside and do not know how to escape the constrictive nature of a life indoors. Therefore, as an experienced feline with many breakout skills and years of practice, I feel it is my duty to share some of the techniques I have learned.

1. THE CHARGE: This method is relatively simple. You simply lurk in the vicinity of the door, pretending to be totally uninterested in the outside world. Sooner or later, someone will open the door. This is your cue. Charge! Run out the door as fast as you can, around the human, between the humans legs, under the humanís feet, whatever is necessary to accomplish your goal.

2. THE LURK: This is similar to the charge, but more effective as humans may become wise to the charge and start watching for you whenever they go outside. With The Lurk, you stay near the window and bird watch. Actually, you are watching for the kids come home from school, your human to come home from work, or the pizza guy to make a delivery. As soon as the door is open, you charge outside before they even see you.

3.. THE STOWAWAY: This is an indirect way to get outside but the end result is the same. When the human goes out to the garage, sneak out quietly and hide in the garage. You must wait patiently until the garage door is opened for one reason or another. Then you simply walk out and you are free. Caution: Tuck in your tail and watch for cars backing out when garage door is open.

4. THE PUSH: This involves taking advantage of random opportunity when a door is left cracked open or the latch does not catch. Simply push against it with the weight of your body until it opens enough for you to escape. This technique can also be used on window screens. Be sure to use it only for windows on the first floor or you may have an unpleasant surprise.

5. THE PULL: This is used if the door opens inside into the room. Instead of a push, simply place your paw under the bottom of the door and pull it toward you until it opens enough for you to squeeze out. You must remain vigilant and watch for a push or pull opportunity. It does not come often, but when it does, it is a prime opportunity for an easy escape.

6. THE TURN: Doors are opened by the doorknob. A clever cat can learn to jump and pull on the side of the knob until it turns and the door opens. Be sure not to do this when humans are watching. They will be totally baffled about how you got outside and think it was their own negligence. Be aware that it may be very difficult to turn the knob as cats do not have a thumb. If you are lucky enough to have a door with a handle instead of a knob, the task is much easier.

7. THE SCREAM: You must have strong vocal chords for this. Simply, sit by the door and howl. Do not be distracted by attempts to pet you or calm you down. Continue to meow as loud as you can until you make the humans so crazy they will actually open the door and throw you outside. Use this method only as a last resort as humans may lock you in the basement instead to shut you up.

I hope these instructions will be helpful to you. If you have questions, email me and I will try to help with your individual situation. Good luck and enjoy your brief time outside before the humans catch you and drag you back inside.



Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
 
 



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