Greetings from the Marriott
© 2014 Sheila Moss,
at the Marriott appreciate the business you gave us with
your recent Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop; however, there are
still a few unfinished items regarding your stay that need to be
We would like to request that all the guests who took our towels
and linens home please return them. While the Marriott
expects you to steal the leftover soap and shampoo, taking
towels to wrap souvenir glasses while traveling is a bit too
much. Individual guests will also be contacted by the Marriott
regarding the missing irons, coffee pots, hair dryers, and
television sets. Please be reminded that we have your credit
card numbers on file.
The Marriott may be forced to bill you
for the carpet cleaning required in the ballroom where you held
your late night festivities Saturday. While we are uncertain
exactly what happened in there, it was reported that hysterical
laughter ensued all evening and several people left with wet
We regret that the Marriott was unable to provide all of
our guests with late checkout on Sunday because you stayed up
too late, drank too much, and overslept. The Marriott received
many complaints from our other guests regarding loud late night
partying. You may be interested to know that our conference
planners have been fired for their part in instigating your
overnight pajama party.
A number of lost items were found in the hotel
ballroom Sunday morning. Among the items were several empty
“Erma” wine glasses, a cell phone, two autographed books, a
large blue plastic bird, and three pink bunny slippers. You
may claim missing items by contacting lost and found at the front
desk. The Marriott staff does not wish to comment further
Thanks to your group, we have lost some of our most valuable
employees. One of our waiters became a stand-up comedian after crashing the Stand-Up Comedy Boot
Camp and catching the
attendee comedy show Saturday night. He handed in his
resignation to the Marriott and has gone to California to
get into show biz.
The bartender has been given a leave of absence
to recover from exhaustion from pouring so many drinks.
Fortunately, the Marriott was able to replace her on
short notice by giving the job to a starving humor writer who
was willing to work for the experience and promotion.
May we take the liberty of commenting that the Marriott
takes pride in our excellent guest services and does not find
tasteless jokes about Dayton funny. We are innkeepers, not
humorists, and cannot be expected to laugh at your idea of a
funny column. Furthermore, a lot of tourists come to Dayton, for
your information -- some of them on purpose.
We hope that tourism at the Marriott
will not be affected by any negative publicity you bring us.
That pretty much takes care of the major
unfinished business. We realize that you have a choice and we
would like to thank you for choosing the Marriott. We
would be remiss if we failed to inform you that we have
generously opted not to put your group on the Marriott
"black list" at this time. After all, it was a humor
writers’ conference and the Marriott is willing to tolerate
Thank goodness it will be two years before you
have another one of these workshops, and we will have time to
repair the damage. We
will be happy to recommend a competitor next time if the Marriott
happens to unfortunately be booked up for the entire spring and summer
and unable to accommodate you.
The Marriott Hotel
Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
DISCLAIMER: This is satirical humor
and the opinions expressed are those of the author and not those
of any hotel employee. The idea here is to mention the
name of the Marriott as many times as possible to thank
them for accommodating us.