Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
||Letter to the Car....
to the Car
Can we talk? You and I need to have a little discussion. You
seem to be having a lot of problems lately. Is there something
wrong that I don't know about? Every time I turn around, you
seem to have another ailment.
I know the nail in your tire was not your fault, but you could
be a little more careful and watch where you are going so you do
not pick up nails. I thought we could get it patched up and you
would be okay, but that seems not to be the case. A major tire
transplant was not in my budget for this month.
Then there is the matter of the turn signal light going out.
Please. How many times have I told you not to be winking at
other cars, even if they are cute little sports models? The turn
light is to use only when turning or changing lanes on the
Interstate. And now your other turn light has gone out too. I
I have been very good to you, car. I've had your oil and filter
changed every 3,000 miles, all your fluids checked, and given
you anything else you needed. You have had no major mechanical
problems or nervous breakdowns. And you still look hot, much
younger than your actual mileage.
Remember you have over 100,000 miles on you. Even though you
look good, your parts are not what they used to be. I don't want
you to get the idea that you have earned the right to do as you
please. If these minor ailments continue, I may have to consider
Your tendency to refuse to shift into reverse is also beginning
to be annoying. I know you think it is amusing, but I am not
laughing. It is starting to get on my nerves. If you think I'm
going to go out and get you a new transmission, you can forget
it. So, you might as well stop the funny stuff and quit being so
I know you need to have the window fixed that will not roll
down, but it will be a major operation. It is just one of those
things that happen when you get a little older. We all start to
have a few aches and pains and things that don't work exactly
May I remind you that we could have had the window fixed, but we
had to get a new tire instead?
I guess that's about enough. You need to realize that you are
getting older and quit trying to live life in the fast lane.
Your premium gasoline has gone to your heads. I'm not sure how
much longer I can afford to keep you around, especially if you
continue to have these mechanical problems all the time.
I just wanted to put you on notice. You are not getting the
Mcguires wax that you wanted. However, I did buff out those
scratches on your rear-view mirrors that you got trying to
squeeze into a garage that is too small for you.
Remember, you need to go to the car wash on a regular basis and
clean the bugs off your windshield. That cheap air freshener
that you had after your last visit to the car wash was a bit
So, that is about all I have to say to you right now. I could
not trade you in even though your remote entry went out. We've
been through too many close calls together. I might even get you
an alignment the next time your oil is changed just to show
there are no hard feelings.
But, please, take care of yourself and slow down a bit. Read the
owner's manual and take its advice. You can have a lot more
miles before it is time to re-tire.
Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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