has come to my attention that many of you are actually listening to
adults and doing what you are told to do. This is NOT the way it is
suppose to be. KIDS RULE! We are in charge and donít ever let adults
think otherwise. Once they get the upper hand, it becomes much more
difficult to train them properly.
The training of an adult must begin early in the day.
Plan to wake up at least an hour prior to their desired wakeup time.
This gives you a head start. Then do whatever is necessary to be sure
they wake up too. Jump on the bed, play with your battery-operated
musical toys, or cry loudly, and scream, "Iím hungry!"
Once you wake them up and have their attention, they
will want to change your underwear. This humiliating act puts them in
control instead of you. Scream and refuse. They will try to distract
you with a cup of warm milk. Resist! If you take the milk, you will be
sunk. They will change your underwear and once warm and cozy, you are
in danger of going back to sleep.
For breakfast insist on Oreoís. This never fails to
cause frustration. Refuse any offer of regular food like eggs. Do not
be tempted by sugarcoated cereal, no matter how cute the television
commercials are. Cereal is mostly sugar but there might be vitamins in
the milk. Pop tarts and granola bars are possible alternatives, but be
sure not to be diverted by these too often or adults will get the idea
that they can quit giving you Oreoís.
After finishing your Oreoís and milk, you will want
to go outside to play. Stand at the door and press your nose on the
glass looking sad. There are many more things to get into outside than
inside, plus outside is where the best dirt is. All kids need to spend
as much time as possible getting dirty.
Once outside, refuse to play with your toys and play
with sticks and rocks. This will totally confuse your adult who will
not understand why you donít like expensive toys and will probably
then buy you even more toys, hoping to find one you like. Smashing
expensive toys is also fun, but we will not cover that here, as it is
a rainy day project.
For lunch, insist on chips and dip. If you are tired
of chips and dip and actually want real food, request pizza. The
tomato sauce on pizza is very messy and hard to clean up when smeared
around on furniture, which makes it ideal. Refuse any and all
vegetables, which are loaded with vitamins. Vitamins are an adult plot
to deprive kids of tasty food like hot dogs, jelly sandwiches, and
Popsicles. The only acceptable form for a vitamin is when it comes out
of bottle, is shaped like an animal, and is flavored and chewable.
After lunch, the adult will want you to take a nap. It
is important not to fall asleep regardless of how tired you are or how
much the adults insist. If you do, they will watch television, laugh,
and have all manner of fun without you. Also, they will not be tired
at night and you canít get the upper hand at bedtime. If they put
you to bed for a nap, giggle, read books, kick the covers, anything to
avoid going to sleep and letting adults have their way.
Unless you are starving, refuse dinner. If you are
hungry and must eat, ask for a hot dog. The adult will be so
frustrated because you have not eaten all day that you can pretty much
have whatever you want. After you have eaten the hot dog is a good
time to demand ice cream. The adult will be so happy that you have
finally eaten something that you can probably become really outrageous
and demanding at this point, even asking for something like cola in
your training cup.
At bath time, insist on bubbles. Bring all the toys
you can find into the tub. Splash the water, swim, play rubber ducky
and fully enjoy your bath. Refuse to get out of the tub until after
the adult pulls the plug and lets the bath water drain. Then throw out
all the toys on the floor for the adult to pick up. This also makes
the floor wet and slick and you can slide around on it while the adult
tries to dress you for bed.
Refuse to go to sleep. Play, laugh, whine, insist on
your favorite toy, ask for a story, or request a favorite video that
you know was long ago misplaced. Prolong this period as much as you
can. If you go to sleep, your adult will be able to rest and think of
new ways to control you.
If you are able to hold out long enough, the adult may
fall asleep first. When this happens, slip your favorite video tape
into the VCR, find the stash of fruit rollups you have been hiding
under the bed, let the dog get in bed with you, and celebrate your
It is hard work to control adults and train them
properly, but it is well worth your efforts in the long run.
Eventually, they will give up, and you will be miles ahead of them in
the competition to be the boss. Remember, KIDS RULE Ė not adults!
Never forget it!