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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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How to Spoil a Grandchild...
 


How to Spoil a Grandchild and 
Alienate a Daughter-In-Law 
in One Easy Lesson

Dear Daughter-In-Law,

I am very upset about your latest e-mail, and I really donít understand your negative attitude. I have made every effort to be helpful and offer suggestions about my grandchild that I think will be useful. Iím very sorry about the misunderstanding when I criticized your breastfeeding techniques. I know it isnít your fault, but, really dear, donít you believe you could try a bit harder? After all, it is only natural and mothers all over the world do it without any trouble - so why canít you? 

Iím also sorry about the remark I made about using disposable diapers instead of the old fashioned kind. But those paper ones do remind me of Kleenex and the cloth ones were always good enough for my kids. Parents nowadays are really just too lazy to wash diapers

Iím sorry that you didnít like the little t-shirts and burping pads that I gave you as shower gift. I know you wanted the layette with the little angels, but, dear, we do need to be practical. I also donít understand why you are so mad about the nice Christmas gifts I gave my grandchild. The fact that they were better than what Santa could afford and made Santa look cheap is not my fault.

I hope by now you have gotten rid of the filthy dog so the baby does not catch any dog germs from it. Also, that cat needs to go. It will jump in the babyís bed and smother the baby. Didnít anyone ever tell you not to have a cat around a baby? I donít know why you want pets anyhow. You have a child, thatís enough.

I hope you are using the nursery monitor I gave you and have installed the electrical outlet guards, and the safety locks. You just canít be too careful these days, and we wouldnít want anything bad to happen because you are not being careful, would we? Also, be sure to keep that syrup of ipecac in the bathroom in case of accidental poisoning. It always pays to keep some on hand - believe me, I know. 

Also, if you would rub the babyís chest with menthol salve, like I told you to, he wouldnít be sick all the time. If you want my opinion, I think you should take the baby to my doctor for a good check up instead of that fancy pediatrician your doctor referred you to.

I donít know why you want me to quit buying clothes for my grandchild. I know you like to pick out the babyís clothes, but the ones I pick out are much nicer than anything you can afford. Also, Iíve found some fabulous thrift stores with baby things for next to nothing. Why waste your money? 

I know the bicycle, baseball glove and computer I bought may be a bit too advanced for a newborn, but the child will grow faster than you think. Grandparents need to be able to indulge themselves just a bit for their first grandchild.

I hope you liked the baby and childcare books that I bought and also the subscription to the parenting magazine. They have all kinds of useful information for inexperienced parents. I still canít understand why you refuse to go to parenting classes.

Are you still upset about me coming over during the babyís naptime and waking him up the other day? I just wanted to see him, and I did hold him and rock him the whole time I was there to keep him from fussing. Probably the reason he is so fussy is that he is teething. Did you try whiskey on the gums like I told you?

Iím sorry I couldnít baby-sit the other day while you went to the doctor, but you were so upset when I rearranged the furniture to make the house child proof that I just didnít feel up to coming back for a while. Actually, Iím thinking of making a nursery at my place in the spare room. Then you can just bring him over here where he will be taken care of properly while you are out running around. 

Are you remembering to change the babyís diaper and give him a bath every day? You donít mind me asking, do you? It isnít that you are not a good mother, dear, it is just that I donít want the baby to get rashes or diseases from being dirty.

Iíve been thinking that perhaps you just have more than you can do. Iíve decided to move in with you and take over to help out. No need to thank me, dear.

Love,
Mom


Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss

 
 



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