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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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How Hot Is It?....
 


How Hot is It?


It has really been hot this summer, so hot Iím beginning to wonder if this is Tennessee or if the Sahara Dessert is migrating westward. The heat waves on the sidewalks lately are big enough to surf on. I canít even remember the last time a cold front moved through. Spring and summer showers only seem to sizzle and create steam. Iím worried that the polar ice caps are melting.

When I woke up this morning, I had been dreaming of winter. Itís probably because I keep the air conditioner turned down so low that Iím surprised it isnít demanding overtime pay. The electric company will soon be sending me hate mail for not conserving energy - on the other hand, they should be sending love letters considering the rates they charge nowadays.

"Donít sweat it," I think, when I go outside to get in my car. Easy to say, but whom am I kidding? I can feel the little rivers of sweat trickling down my back and my clothes starting to stick to me before I can get the car started. This vehicle is hotter than a red Corvette. I really donít want to pump gas today, but I may stop at the convenience mart anyhow. I think they still sell those flavored, slushy, crushed ice drinks.

I should have brought an ice bag for my overheated forehead, but I doubt if the refrigerator would give up its ice cubes without a struggle on a day like this. Was it only last winter when I said how much I hated ice and snow? Now those are my favorite words, along with "cold, freezing, chilly and sub-zero."

My thermometer is having hot flashes. Maybe I need a vacation in a cooler place. Iíve heard itís winter now in Australia. But Iíd have to wait until my travel agent comes back from her cruise to Alaska.

The air will be so frigid at the office that the plants will be frozen. The hotter it is outside, the more building management seems to try to compensate. No wonder we are sick all summer! But it might be worth getting a cold if I were only sure Iíd have chills instead of fever.

Maybe I can go to the supermarket and hang out around the frozen foods section, or go shopping at the mall where it is cool. Of course, Iíd probably have to drive around in the parking garage for 90 minutes looking for a spot inside instead of parking outside in the sun.

My main goal in life these days is to stay cool without a crisis. Wonder if the old clichť "cold hands, warm heart" also works in reverse? This is one time that taking a cold shower seems like a good suggestion.

Is that a camel caravan on the interstate, or only a heat delusion? I need a drink of cold water. From now on, Iíll carry an ice cooler for emergencies. Would some one call me a paramedic before I get heat exhaustion? Even the beach umbrellas are looking for shade when the weather is like this.

Everyone complains about the weather. Maybe I could join the kids and play in the eruptions of cool water at the flat fountains on the mall plaza. Why is it that kids get to have all the real fun while adults only get the fun of complaining?

I used to have big, important things to worry about, back when the weather permitted. Now my major concern is simply that Iíll run out of frozen yogurt before the day is done.


Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
 
 



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