Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||How Hot Is Hot?....
How Hot is Hot?
enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk? Hot enough to cook a chicken,
feathers and all? Hot enough to pop corn still on the cob? Hot enough
to toast your buns?
We've all heard the clichés, but how hot is hot anyhow? Nowadays, we
have sophisticated instruments called thermometers for measuring heat.
Thermometers tell how hot it actually is, but not how hot it feels,
which is measured by a heat index that includes temperature and
humidity, or some such nonsense.
Personally, I don't think it matters much after it gets over 90
degrees. It's just so hot you can't stand it -- at least not for long.
The weather news is full of comparisons: How many days of consecutive
triple digits; how many days of temperatures over 90; how many inches
of rainfall this summer; how many days we've broken the record this
month. All of this doesn't serve to make us feel one iota better -
nothing but air conditioning and a glass of iced tea can do that.
Speaking of air conditioning, everyone seems to think something is
wrong with his or her unit. "Is your air conditioner working
right?" they ask. "Mine is not keeping it cold enough."
From what I understand, 20 degrees below the outside temperature is
what they are designed for. Let's see, according to my math, at 100
degrees outside that would be about 80 degrees inside. Turning it
I wanted to try out frying an egg on the pavement last weekend, but I
forgot. Anytime I've ever seen it tried, it didn't really work.
Nevertheless, I thought I would give it a shot just for fun. My
asphalt driveway certainly feels hot enough. It sure fried my feet
when I walked across it barefooted the other day while watering the
My lawn is a nice crispy brown. I don't even try to water it. My trees
are starting to lose leaves. Even the trees in the woods are starting
to die. At times like this I'm happy that I'm not a farmer, but I'm
sure we will all pay for the drought with higher prices at some point
down the line.
It used to be an appropriate greeting to ask "Is it hot enough
for ya?" We know that is a rhetorical question and that it's
plenty hot enough, even for August. Add the humidity and it's almost
hot enough for a sauna outside.
We live in a sheltered environment in air conditioning all day. We've
become soft. I didn't really realize what hot meant. I took a very
short walk the other day. On the way back, I began to sweat and feel a
bit dizzy. After that experience, I decided that I had better just
listen to advice and stay inside.
The media are filled with tips about handling heat. Slow down, dress
light, drink plenty of water, wear a hat, and avoid midday activity.
Even better, stay inside, use a fan even if you have air, take showers
and eat lighter food.
They give this advice for a reason --- not for us to act tough and try
to ignore it.
I have my own personal method of cooling off that I will share -
slushes from Sonic. Yes, I'm a regular there; especially since I found
out they have low calorie slushes. I dare you to drink a large one of
those and stay hot. You will probably get the shivers. I've become
such a habitual customer that they know me now.
"Hey, Joe, here comes, one diet cola, one diet cherry, and a dish
of vanilla." Okay, okay, the vanilla ice cream is for the dog.
She likes to be cool too.
So. How hot is it? Too hot for words, so I better quit now before I
run out of them.
Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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