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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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War of the Hoses....

War of the Hoses

Last year I decided I was tired of my old garden hose that leaked and had been repaired several times. I went to the hardware store and bought a fancy new hose, 100 feet long and heavy duty. I also got a new nozzle, the metal kind that does not break all the time and squirt water in your face. 

I was in hose heaven for a while. I could water my flowers, clean the patio and wash the fallen crabapples off the driveway. The hose was so heavy it didnít get kinks in it. It was a beautiful hose, just what I needed Ė until today.

Iím still working on my "to do" list this week. I was going to wash the windows outside today. I canít remember the last time they were done. Iím getting too arthritic to climb a ladder, but I thought I could at least wash them with a garden hose, even if it left a few water spots. I got an early start as the weather has been incredibly hot and humid and I wanted to finish before the heat of the day.

The idea I had was to unscrew the nozzle on the hose that I use in back of the house and put it on another shorter hose that I use in the front yard. Good idea, except I could not get the nozzle off no matter how hard I twisted or what I called it. Well, I would try the other end, the one fastened to the faucet. It was my lucky day; it unscrewed easily. So, I will simply move the entire hose to the front and use it instead, I thought. No problem.

But the hose would not cooperate. It apparently had been lying around in the grass longer than I thought as grass runners had grown over the top of it. I finally managed to get it untangled from the grass and started dragging it toward the front of the house. There was no way I could carry it. It was way too heavy.

As I dragged it along, it managed to grab onto every obstacle along the way. It knocked over the trash can. It tied itself into a knot. It wrapped itself around a bush. I had emptied the water to make it lighter, but that didnít seem to help. That hose felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds.

I finally made it to the front but my back was almost broken. After I untangled the hose from the lilies it had latched onto, I tried to screw it on the faucet in the front yard. As usually, it would not cooperate. It went on sideways; it wouldnít tighten; it popped loose. Eventually, though, I managed to get it on enough that it only leaked a little.

Sweat was running into my eyes and burning. It was dripping off the end of my nose. I will not be defeated by a stupid hose, I thought. With sheer grit and determination, I managed to clean the windows, and finish my chore.

I was so tired I could not drag it back. It is still on the sidewalk in front of my house. I would cut it into shreds, but I guess I will leave it there as Iím too exhausted for revenge.

I was so worn out that I went inside and took a nap -- dirt, sweat and all. When I woke up, I took a shower and washed my hair and spent the rest of the day recovering from the hose ordeal.

I am not anxious to talk about my day. After this experience, the windows may never be cleaned again. I will keep the drapes closed so I canít see them and it will not matter.

Guess I can mark "wash the windows" off my list now.

Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss

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