HumorScope for the New Year
Whatís in the stars for the
New Year? While we admit our zodiac is bit
cracked, we have nevertheless consulted the stars to deliver a personalized
astrological prediction just for the readers of this column.
Any resemblance to an actual horoscope reading is purely coincidental, and we
will not be responsible for accidents or incidents based on our celestial
AIRES Ė Your adventurous spirit will take you down many roads, mainly
because you will not stop to ask for directions. You will probably never get to
where you are going, but at least you can say, "I did it my way."
TAURUS - As your sign suggests, you are full of bull and often show it by
leaving the herd to buy lottery tickets. You are concerned with money and
material things, which is probably why you have a mailbox full of junk mail at
GEMINI Ė You rely on your instincts, which is a good thing, unless you are
acting on your instincts in public. Although you are willing to negotiate with
the police officer, you have learned to accept your ticket with a smile and exit
quickly at the first opportunity.
CANCER Ė You are sensitive and caring and always try to help people, even
when they donít want to be helped. Since thatís the way they want to be,
just concentrate on your own career. Use your shrewdness to get ahead and then
you can say, "I told you so!" with a clean conscience.
LEO Ė You want to be the center of attention and sometimes act as if you
have a male enhancement patch on your ego. Try to talk about something other
than yourself, if possible, and your friends may forgive you Ė even though
your best friend will always be your mirror.
VIRGO Ė You are so efficient that you refold your underwear, reorganize the
closet and make the bed twice, and thatís just before breakfast. Use your
energy on things that matter and you will go further in life, even though you
will be wearing wrinkled underwear when you get there.
LIBRA Ė You try to keep your life in balance - 20 percent fun, 10 percent
study, 20 percent play, 20 percent work, 10 percent commute, 10 percent making
excuses, and 10 percent using your charm to get someone else to balance it for
SCORPIO Ė Itís the same story, over and over, and itís always about
you.. Tell us a new story before we begin to think you are senile. Of course, itís
hard to change. Yes, it is hard to change. We know itís hard to change. Youíve
already told us, remember?
SAGITTARIUS - Generous and good-natured, you will give away the shirt off
your back. Try to be a bit more rational, a little less overly generous, and go
buy yourself a new shirt. Yes, light blue will be fine. Thank you for asking.
CAPRICORN - They have a name for people who work too hard - workaholic. Get
out of the rut you have put yourself in and take a little time for romance. And
donít work so hard at being romantic that you become obsessed. There might be
a word for that too.
AQUARIUS Ė Always looking to the future, planning ahead - try to live in
the present for a change. Let your insurance agent take care of your future. Oh,
you are an insurance agent? It that case, donít let me interrupt.
PISCES Ė You are a loving and overly caring person. Donít let people take
advantage of your good nature. (Present company excepted.) Would you hand me the
remote control. A pillow would be nice, and would you mind rubbing my back?
For an even more personalized reading, hit your head with a hammer and read
the stars for yourself.
That will be $20 please.
Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss