Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
My house is an episode from
Hoarders. I don't know how it happened - but that's what they all say,
isn't it? Okay, I do know how it happened and it's my fault ... sort of.
I wanted to get rid of the carpeting in my house. It's old and worn out
and beyond the point of being revived by Merry Maids or Stanley Steamer
or anyone else. At some point you just have to face the fact that
nothing lasts forever and the carpet has to go.
I have allergies and so do half the other people in the house. If we
have to redo the floors, we might as well do something besides
I've looked at all the ads in the magazines. I've talked to other people
who say how easy it is to take care of hardwood. I've lusted after the
new pre-finished hardwood floor at the dentist office ever I first saw
it. So, I decided that I wanted hardwood this time ... no more dusty
carpets in my house.
That doesn't sound like a hoarder, does it?
But hardwood floors are easier said than done. The installer came and
measured, and then we went down to the local Lumber Liquidators and
picked out a beautiful Brazilian Teak. After signing on the dotted line,
I got the news. "Wood has to acclimate."
"Acclimate?" What's that?
Well, it seems hardwood has to be in the house where it will be
installed for a week before to adjust to its new surroundings - all 50
boxes of it. It's like a plant. Who would have known?
So, that's why my dining area is full of boxes halfway to the ceiling
with cats jumping around on them. It is awful, but what can I do? And
the rest of the boxes all over the house, I can explain, truly I can.
But, that's what they all say, isn't it?
You see, when the installer was here, he didn't like all my accessories.
It happens that I like copper and have a lot of copper things. And then
I have some pictures of my grandchildren, and a few nice things that I
picked up on various vacations or received as gifts. It's a hodgepodge of collectables, but
tasteful, not overdone - in my opinion.
The installer said, "We, will move the furniture, but you need to
move the lamps and all this other stuff."
Oh dear, I was afraid of that. But I didn't want my collectables broken.
It may be junk and clutter to construction people, but it isn't to me.
And that's what's in the other boxes. My son has been putting most of
them out in the garage where they will be out of the way. And some of it
is on the fireplace mantel and kitchen cabinets.
Then I realized the closets would have to be emptied too. Oh-my-god! I
forgot about the closets. How could I forget about the closets? So that
explains a lot more of it.
And those boxes in the bedroom that we are climbing around are honey's
"art collection." He had a lot of prints that I didn't have
room to hang and so we put them in the big closet - the one under the
The dust? Did you have to bring up the dust? I dust every week. But,
somehow when you start moving everything around, the dust flies. I don't
know where it comes from - but that's what they all say, isn't it?
One more week of living like a hoarder and it will all be over. I've
gotten rid of a lot of stuff that I decided wasn't worth the trouble of
packing and moving around. What's left will be clean. And this time I'm
going to keep it that way -but that's what they all say, isn't it?
Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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