Hillbilly Eye for the
Northern Guy
In view of the fact that so many of ya’ll from up north are
moving south, we thought we would bring in some experts on
southern lifestyle to give you a makeover and help you adjust
to our way of life. Many Yankees are pitifully deficient in
know how, due to being culturally deprived of southern
customs. It’s never too late, however -- at least we hope
not.
Our expert fashion advisor is Billy Bob Johnson, manager of
the military surplus and sporting goods store. According to
Billy Bob, it takes little to be in style in the South. If you
have a pair of faded jeans and couple T-shirts, you’re
already halfway there. The well-dressed good old boy wouldn’t
be caught dead without a selection of ball caps, worn for both
everyday and special occasions. You may also want a cowboy hat
for Sunday, and a pair of genuine leather cowboy boots for
fancy occasions. Add a camouflage outfit for hunting or
fishing and you’ve got it covered.
The local barber, Earl Ray Goodson, who learned to cut hair
in the prison barber school, has agreed to coach us in
personal grooming. He says to pitch out all that cologne and
stinky stuff you have. You don’t need it. If your skin’s a
bit rough from the wind and your neck a bit red from the sun,
that adds to your he-man image. Take off your hat long enough
to get a haircut once in a while, though, to help Earl Ray
out. He can also trim your sideburns. For nights out on the
town, a bottle of Old Spice aftershave is the finishing touch.
Our home decorator is Jimmy Joe Leatherman of J.J.’s Used
Furniture and Vintage Junk store. Never pay full price. J.J.
can sell it to you cheaper. A table and chairs, a bed, and a
television set pretty much cover the basics. If you want to
get real fancy, J.J. can get you one of those plastic recliner
chairs. Of course, you need a refrigerator for your beer and a
stove for frying up bacon. J.J.’s Dinged, Dented and Damaged
Appliances store is just next door.
Our culinary expert is Darrell Dickinson from Darrell’s
Truck Stop which features home cooked meals every day of the
week. For the finest in cuisine, the South has one word -
"pork," which is the basic foodstuff . We fry it,
roast it, barbeque it and use the grease in our
vegetables.
The South is famous for it’s victuals: fried chicken and
biscuits, catfish and hushpuppies, and pulled pork barbecue on
cornbread. We also have turnip greens, black-eyed peas,
hominy, fried green tomatoes and fried okra or squash. Unique
food is part of what makes the South such an outstanding place
to live. So, get yourself an iron frying pan and start saving
your bacon grease.
Our expert on southern culture is Johnny Ray Wallace of the
local video rental, where you can find a wide selection of
country music videos as well as southern movie classics. We
know you work hard, so rent a video at Johnny Ray’s for
relaxation and entertainment. In your leisure time, there are
numerous other activities, such as auto racing and high-school
football, but Johnny Ray suggests fishing for recreation on a
budget. If you need a guide, his cousin is available at a
reasonable fee. For a night out, he suggests two-step lessons
down at the Stomping Steer Saloon. He can sell you discount
tickets cheaper than they are at the door.
Now, that’s what we call living high on the hog. No
wonder there’s so many Yankees descending on us. And if you
don’t like living the southern lifestyle, just rev up the
engine on your pickup and head back north, cause down here it’s
our way or the highway, if you get our drift.
