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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Going Crazy...
 


Going Crazy


There's a crazy woman loose who is an accident waiting to happen and a menace to society. Sadly, I must report that I am that crazy woman. It's true; I've departed my senses and am waiting for the men with the big butterfly net to knock on my door at any moment. It really isn't my fault, you see.

It all started the other day when I needed to go to the drugstore to pick up a prescription. I didn't really want to go to the drug store, but you know how it is when you run out of your medicine and need it. Nothing to be done, but go get it, regardless of whether I want to or not.

I hopped in the car, backed out of the garage and heard a sickening thud. I had run smack into my daughter's new car that was parked in the driveway. I forgot she had a car. Fortunately, it only chipped the paint off the bumper in a couple of places and didn't hurt my car at all. That hardly counts at all, I thought, trying not to be upset.

Then I noticed my car was out of gas, bumping empty with the idiot light flashing. That figures, being the sort of day it was. I had to stop at the corner station to fill up. The automatic shut off on the gas nozzle failed to work and the gasoline spilled over, getting all over my car and the ground.

I used the windshield washer bucket to wash the gas off my paint as best I could, and went on about my business. I considered going to the car wash, but it was cold and I reasoned that the water could freeze on my car or the doors might even freeze shut.

While I was doing all this thinking, I missed the entrance ramp to the interstate, which is the closest way to the drugstore. By then, I realized things were not going extremely well, but I could go another way instead. The trouble with the other way is there is a bad left turn, which I expertly accomplished, being extra careful. One wreck in a day is enough.

After leaving the drugstore safely, I decided to run by the bank and use the ATM since I had put all my extra cash in the gas tank, or should I say on the ground? Regardless, I missed my turn for the second time of the evening and again had to take an alternate route. Believe it or not, the ATM machine functioned perfectly when I got there, and I actually made it home without further incident.

I left the door of my attached garage open because of the fumes from the car where gas had spilled. No point in taking chances the way this day was going. Naturally, I forgot that the garage door was open and it stayed open all night long. Not only that, but the back door blew open from the draft. By the next morning, the house was freezing inside. Why not with the door wide open all night in the middle of winter?

I think I've regained control of my faculties now, at least I hope so. I'm just chalking the whole thing up to a bad hair day, a senior moment, or alien mind control.

So, that's my story. I'm ready now. You can bring in the white jacket and take me away to my nice warm padded cell. Maybe I won't need shock treatments. I only hope you have plenty of gas and will try to avoid hitting the car in the driveway.


Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

 
 



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