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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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This Gnat is Making Me Crazy....
 


This Gnat is Making Me Crazy

This gnat is making me crazy Every time I sit down at the computer, this gnat flies between me and the screen, right in my face. It is really hard to type and swat at a gnat. I end up with a lot of left-handed words like sdcftfa (swat) xxsstr (swat) fdfsee.

Speaking of spelling, gnats don't even spell their name correctly. Unlike g-mail or gnu, it is not a g-nat. They can, however, put on a pretty good air show, whooping and swooping, doing loops, spirals, and figure eights. The only thing missing is smoke writing.

Gnats usually fly in swarms, but, thank goodness, this one is a solo and did not bring reinforcements along to torment me. I actually don't know if it is same gnat buzzing me or if there is a tag team of pests. I did not card the gnat and ask to see an ID card or pilot license.

Did you know there are different species of gnats and where they come from depends on genetics. I am sure this gnat is not the type that comes from the soil of a houseplant, as I have no houseplants. I killed them all with negligence. I wish negligence would work on a gnat, but the more I ignore it, the harder it tries to fly up my nose.

I've read that gnats will dive headfirst into a glass of wine or vinegar and drown. Apparently my gnat did not read the article or else it has already had a glass of wine too many. I think maybe it is coming in from outside.

Last year ladybugs were getting inside through cracks around the windows. If something as large as a ladybug can get inside, any minute opening would be like an open garage door for the tiny gnat.

There it is again. Why does it does it have to fly right in front of my face, pesky bug? I usually say "live and let live," but you can only ignore an annoying gnat for so long. Good thing I don't own a gun. If I can't get it with a swatter, though, what chance would there be of shooting it? I would just blow holes in my ceiling for nothing.

Gnats are supposed to be mini flies. When a fly gets in the house and I'm not fast enough to swat it, I figure it will be dead of old age by the next day anyhow, and I can sweep it from the window sill and forget it. This gnat has been around for a long time, though, so I don't think it intends to die any time soon. I read that some bugs live two to four months. Just my luck, I end with up the Methuselah of gnats.

Surely there must be something I can do to get rid of an insect -- other than learn to type with only one hand. Mosquitoes are attracted to me also, but I have learned to stay inside or use insect repellent. Maybe I should dab a bit of insecticide behind each ear and see if that discourages the gnat.

I'm really at my wit's end. If I don't figure out something soon to get this gnat out of my face, I will be a stark raving lunatic. Some people think I already am, but that's beside the point.

When the ladybugs invaded last year, they were slow and I could scoop them up with the vacuum cleaner, but this thing is way too fast for that. I got rid of ants by putting out an ant motel for them. Do they make gnat motels? It really doesn't need one, though, as it apparently has taken up permanent residence in my house.

There it is in my face again. SMACK! Got him! Please disregard this column.


Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
 
 



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