Humor Columnist



















Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Never Feed a Cat...

Never Feed a Cat Against Her Will

My cat would not eat. Normally she is in the kitchen screaming for food before I have coffee in the morning. Not eating is a sign that something is wrong -- she must be ill. I became concerned and took her to a veterinarian who ran tests and took X-rays but found no problems. He gave the cat an appetite stimulant and had a bill for me that caused me to lose my appetite too.

The cat still would not eat.

Now I was worried. How long can an animal live without eating? So, I returned to the vet who said the next step would be to check her digestive track with a tube, a surgical procedure. Cats frequently ingest hair while they groom and, sure enough, there was a large hairball in her stomach.

The fur ball was removed and the vet also put a feeding tube in her neck since she had lost so much weight. "It's easy to feed them," the vet assured me. "You can do it at home." The bill this time was enough to make me cough up a hairball myself.

I took her home and found that before you can feed a cat, you have to catch her first.

Day One Cat looks at the human with wide, green, unblinking eyes as if she knows what's coming and wants to run away. Naturally, she hates the tube feeding and prefers to remain on a hunger strike.

Day Two Human cannot find cat who has decided to play hide and seek. After looking all over the house, human finally finds the cat under the bed. The human has to move the bed to catch her.

Day Three Human outsmarts the cat and keeps the doors to the bedrooms closed. Cat outsmarts human by jumping on top of an entertainment center where the human cannot reach her.

Day Four Human cannot find cat in spite of climbing on a chair to look on top of the entertainment center. Where is the cat? She has to be here somewhere. Finally, the human finds her behind the curtains and manages to grab her before she gets away.

Day Five Human cannot find cat. Is this starting to sound familiar? The cat is under the table on a chair. When the human tries to catch her, she jumps to another chair, then another and another, playing musical chairs.

Day Six Cat jumps from the sofa to the top of the curtain rod and finds a new hiding place on top of a tall hutch. She scrunches down but the human sees her ears. The human piles up furniture and climbs on it to reach her. The cat claws the human and hangs on to the hutch for dear life.

Day Seven Cat cannot be found. The human looks on top of all the tall furniture, behind the curtains, behind furniture, and under the table. How many hiding places can a cat find anyhow? Finally, the human realizes the only possible place left is a three inch high space under a heavy buffet. Surely she cannot squeeze into a space that small. The human moves the buffet and barely catches the cat before she escapes again.

So, the human spent most of the week chasing the cat from the floor to the ceiling five times a day. I still cannot figure out how she found so many places to hide.

The human is exhausted and too tired to chase a cat that can jump like a squirrel and run like a cheetah. The human is ready to cry. The cat comes to the human, climbs on her lap and purrs. Only another cat lover can understand.

Of course, the human does not need to catch her now as the feedings are done for the day. How do animals know?

Copyright 2015 Sheila Moss

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