Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
you love elevators? I thought so. Nearly everyone seems to have
some apprehension, but we use them anyway, mostly out of
necessity. Have you noticed the obnoxious people you see in
elevators? Obnoxious people never know they are obnoxious.
First, there is the impatient person who jumps on the elevator in
front of you, even though you have been patiently waiting for 10
minutes. Do they think they will get to their floor quicker by
pushing on first?
There are the button pushers who continue to push the button over
and over when waiting as if that will make the elevator come
faster. Sometimes they push both the up and down button. Maybe
they think all the elevators are all going only one-way?
People who get off at lower floors always are in the back of the
elevator and everyone has to move to let them off. Conversely,
people who are not getting off until the top floor always stand
immediately in front of the door so they are in the way of anyone
trying to get off. It's funny how this works.
Some people like to drive and stand as close as possible to the
buttons so it is difficult for other people to push the buttons.
Sometimes they ask, "What floor?" so they can push the
button for you. Other times they just like being in the driver's
seat, not the actual driving.
Some elevators are incredibly slow. You may have cobwebs falling
off of you before this elevator for turtles finally arrives. The
elevator in my parking garage is in this category. Other elevators
are so fast that you have to run or the door will slam in your
face. I've nearly lost my nose several times when visiting the
Some people are polite and will hold the elevator if it arrives
and you are almost there. Other people jump on and get in the
corner so they can pretend they didn't see you coming. Sometimes a
person tries to be polite, but hits the "close door"
button instead of the "open door."
Elevator people with big behinds crowd into your space or bump you
with backpacks. Even worse are the people with wet umbrellas that
drip into your shoes, clothes saturated with toxic tobacco odor,
or people who cough and sneeze.
Some people are so social they cannot shut up long enough to ride
an elevator. These are the people that hold the door open and
finish a conversation with someone in the lobby. If both are
getting on, they continue the conversation with each other as if
everyone is interested.
Other social butterflies use cell phones on the elevator. They get
on while talking, or answer the phone if it rings. There are also
the text senders and the internet browsers who can't resist the
opportunity to show off their new Blackberry.
If you have to ride to a top floor, it is a sure thing that
everyone else is going to a floor below you. Some elevators in
high-rise buildings go to only the higher floors while other
elevators are designated for the lower floors. This is supposed to
get the upper floor people up faster. It only works when you get
on the right elevator, of course.
Many elevators are not reliable. You can stand and wait an
eternity before you figure out it isn't coming. However, that is
better than getting on, having the door close and the elevator not
move. And, we have all heard of elevators that get stuck, God
forbid, between floors.
Older hotels may have elevators that skip the number 13. I guess
they don't realize that ghosts know the 14th floor is really the
13tth and will haunt it instead. Buildings may also add
unconnected wings and you can end up on the right floor but can't
get to where you are going.
Anyhow, I've reached my floor and have nothing more to say except
Copyright 2011 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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