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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Mad Elevator Ride....
 


The Mad Elevator Ride

I was at the office and in a hurry. I needed to take a document to another floor.

I hopped on the elevator alone and pressed the button for the 5th floor. The elevator went to the 4th floor and opened. "No, I want the 5th floor," I insisted, pressing the button again. Stupid elevators. Why can't they work right? I don't have time to play elevator games.

This time the elevator went to the 15th floor. What is going on here? I looked out to see if I saw anything unusual, but all was well. I suppose I should have stepped off right then and just waited for another elevator, but I'm the die-hard type.

Thinking hard, I decided maybe the elevator was stopping one floor below where it was supposed to stop. I would trick it. I pressed the button for the 6th floor, but elevator didn't do anything.

Now I've confused it, I thought. I pressed the 5th floor button again, nothing happened. I pressed the "open door" button. Nothing. "I'm stuck!"  I looked for the red emergency button, but there wasn't one.

About that time the elevator started moving. "Oh, good," I thought. I didn't care what floor it stopped at by this time; I was getting off. It went to the bottom floor and stopped. But the door didn't open. I was still stuck. By now I was starting to feel a bit of panic.

"Stay calm," I said to myself, but obviously, I was anything but calm. I tried to make a deal with the elevator. "Okay, elevator, if you will just open up I will get off and never ride you again." Nothing happened.

I pressed every single button and they all lit up, but the elevator didn't move an inch. I banged on the door and yelled hoping someone would hear me.

All the buttons suddenly went out.

I pressed 5th floor button. The elevator started moving, but it didn't stop on five. It went all the way to the top and then all the way to the bottom, again and again. I was feeling a little dizzy.

"Okay, elevator, you win. Just take me to whatever floor you want." I banged on the door and yelled, "Let me out!" The elevator went to the basement.

Okay we are all the way at the bottom. At least it won't fall. But the elevator kept going down, or at least it felt like it. Down, down, down, down. This is impossible, I thought. We can't go past the basement. There are no more floors.

Finally it stopped. Where am I? This time I was glad when the doors didn't open. I pressed all the buttons again. "Please, elevator, get me out of here! Please, I want to go UP, not down." The elevator shuddered and then shot upwards like a rocket being launched.

I jerked and woke up in my own bed. It took me a moment to realize that it was only a dream. What a relief! It must have been an elevator anxiety dream. I hate elevators anyhow.

When I got on the office elevator this morning, I felt a bit nervous, but the elevator went right to my floor and opened, just like it always does.

"It's all in my mind," I thought. It doesn't know.  It's only a machine.

But, I'm wondering if maybe I should just walk down the stairs when I go home tonight?


Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
 
 



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