Are You Dressing Your Age?
fashion police are at it again. This time they want us to tell us how
older women are supposed to dress to avoid seeming as if they are
trying to look like a teenager. Do Medicare mamas really want to look
as if they are still sweet 16? Of course we do!
The The way my warped mind works, I figured if I did
everything the fashion police said NOT to do, I would soon be eating
pizza for every meal, sprouting zits, texting my friends on my cell,
taking selfies, and posting on Instagram.
First, I need to find a pair of those designer-label
distressed jeans, the kind that are torn and faded and sell for $250
dollars at the mall. I will not worry about the price, of course, as I
will use my parents' credit card. I can rock a white ribbed tank top
to show off my new butterfly tattoo. Hope my plus-sized bra straps
I can make up for the denim splurge by buying cheap
underwear from a discount store. It doesn't show anyhow, does it? So
the fashion police will never know. I only hope I can find a size 48B
I need some sky-high heels to wear with my jeans. Of
course, I may need to walk bow-legged to able to stand up in them
without a walking cane. Not too chic. Platform shoes are out too due
to a rash of broken ankles. Maybe "not recommended"
knee-high boots are a better option if I can find any that are extra
wide so I can zip them over my plus-sized legs.
To complete my youthful wardrobe, I will need crop
tops and Daisy Dukes. I hope no one will notice my muffin top. I will
also need a couple of mini-skirts. Not to worry, if I wear tights, the
scars from my old-lady knee replacement won't show.
For days when I am just chillin', the fashion police
say to avoid pink sweats with a message on the booty like
"adios" or "juicy." Seriously? "Medicare
Mama" would probably not fit on my booty anyhow and if it did, my
geriatric friends would l need tri-focal glasses to read it.
Pink sweats are so last-decade anyhow. What is
trending now is low rise, hip-hop sweats. As soon as I figure out how
to keep them from falling down, I plan to buy a pair. I need a
To carry my make-up, cell phone, charger, iPad,
keyboard, fingernail polish, drivers' license, car keys, sunglasses,
change purse, and a small kitten, I will need a giant hobo purse with
a designer label, another fashion police no-no. I saw a purple one
To complete my hot teen look, bangle bracelets, nose
or lip stud, and blue-glitter nail polish. I also need to pick up some
smudgy eyes liner, blue eye-shadow and bright red lipstick like Taylor
Swift. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I may need a country-bar outfit for
two-stepping at the Wild Horse, the more rhinestones and fringe, the
If you see someone out with the girls in a pair of
cropped harem pants and cool combat boots, it will be me out for the
evening looking steaming hot. I may stay out late and not come home
until my 10:00 curfew.
Somehow, instead of feeling younger, I feel like an
aging flower child. Please don't tell the fashion police.