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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of

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Dressing Your Age....

Are You Dressing Your Age?

The fashion police are at it again. This time they want us to tell us how older women are supposed to dress to avoid seeming as if they are trying to look like a teenager. Do Medicare mamas really want to look as if they are still sweet 16? Of course we do!

The The way my warped mind works, I figured if I did everything the fashion police said NOT to do, I would soon be eating pizza for every meal, sprouting zits, texting my friends on my cell, taking selfies, and posting on Instagram.

First, I need to find a pair of those designer-label distressed jeans, the kind that are torn and faded and sell for $250 dollars at the mall. I will not worry about the price, of course, as I will use my parents' credit card. I can rock a white ribbed tank top to show off my new butterfly tattoo. Hope my plus-sized bra straps don't show.

I can make up for the denim splurge by buying cheap underwear from a discount store. It doesn't show anyhow, does it? So the fashion police will never know. I only hope I can find a size 48B at WalMart.

I need some sky-high heels to wear with my jeans. Of course, I may need to walk bow-legged to able to stand up in them without a walking cane. Not too chic. Platform shoes are out too due to a rash of broken ankles. Maybe "not recommended" knee-high boots are a better option if I can find any that are extra wide so I can zip them over my plus-sized legs.

To complete my youthful wardrobe, I will need crop tops and Daisy Dukes. I hope no one will notice my muffin top. I will also need a couple of mini-skirts. Not to worry, if I wear tights, the scars from my old-lady knee replacement won't show.

For days when I am just chillin', the fashion police say to avoid pink sweats with a message on the booty like "adios" or "juicy." Seriously? "Medicare Mama" would probably not fit on my booty anyhow and if it did, my geriatric friends would l need tri-focal glasses to read it.

Pink sweats are so last-decade anyhow. What is trending now is low rise, hip-hop sweats. As soon as I figure out how to keep them from falling down, I plan to buy a pair. I need a "wow" factor.

To carry my make-up, cell phone, charger, iPad, keyboard, fingernail polish, drivers' license, car keys, sunglasses, change purse, and a small kitten, I will need a giant hobo purse with a designer label, another fashion police no-no. I saw a purple one online.

To complete my hot teen look, bangle bracelets, nose or lip stud, and blue-glitter nail polish. I also need to pick up some smudgy eyes liner, blue eye-shadow and bright red lipstick like Taylor Swift. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I may need a country-bar outfit for two-stepping at the Wild Horse, the more rhinestones and fringe, the better.

If you see someone out with the girls in a pair of cropped harem pants and cool combat boots, it will be me out for the evening looking steaming hot. I may stay out late and not come home until my 10:00 curfew.

Somehow, instead of feeling younger, I feel like an aging flower child. Please don't tell the fashion police.


Copyright 2015 Sheila Moss

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