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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Dog for Sale....
 


Dog for Sale

I have one dog too many at my house. I love dogs, but since my daughter and her two pets came to live with me; weíve discovered that three dogs and a cat are just too many animals. We have dogs everywhere. Since one of the dogs, Cody, immediately endeared himself to us by strategically placing his scent on the living room rug, there was little doubt which animal had to be sacrificed. And so, we are looking for new home for Cody.

"Take a picture and post an ad," someone told us. "Pictures help." Cody is a wonderful dog - a Sheltie. Sheltie is the nickname of the breed correctly called Shetland Sheepdogs. They are descended from sheep herding dogs. Quick and agile by nature, they are among the most intelligent of all dog species. Cody is a beauty, looking like a miniature version of Lassie.

We coaxed Cody to smile (I told you he was intelligent.) and took a picture. Apparently Cody was not smart enough to know why we were taking the picture, however. We placed it strategically in all the better public places where people who love dogs might go, i.e. veterinarian's bulletin boards and pet stores. Trouble is, people who visit veterinarians and pet stores apparently have pets already. We received only one call from all our ads and it was on the strange side.

The voice was on my answering machine said: "I want to know about the dogís personality."

Personality? Dogs have a personality? Well, he smiles a lot, especially when asleep. Does that count? He is very friendly, primarily when you are bringing his food dish. He can actually spring four feet straight up into the air for food. I wonder why he canít jump over the kennel fence, but so far he just jumps straight up as if on a trampoline. He hasnít quite figured out how to level it out. Iím sure it is only a matter of time. He probably stays up nights drawing up blueprints and plotting his eventual escape.

"Also, what is the dogís lifestyle?" said the voice on the recording.

Lifestyle? Dogs have a lifestyle? Heís a DOG, for Pete sakes!! He eats, sleeps, goes for a walk, barks, scratches, goes to the bathroom and then he does it all over again. What sort of lifestyle do they expect a dog to have? Iíve seen that TV show, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." I donít remember seeing any dogs, but Iím sure some dogs must lie around on velvet cushions eating dog biscuits all day. Well, Cody is not a pampered pet. He leads the life of a dog. Are they looking for a dog or a date? This was not a singles ad, lady.

Letís see, maybe I can reword my ad and get better results:

Make a dog happy. Make me happy. Give a dog a home. He will jump at the chance to be your pet. Lifestyle no problem, he is used to the life of a dog. Disinfectant for your carpet included. Do not feed from fingers if you value fingers. Dog has food anxiety. One pet home preferred. Sheepdogs have herding instinct and other pets may object to being nipped on legs, resulting in dogfights in the kitchen. Trips to the emergency vet are not included. All vaccinations current . Taxes and delivery charges extra.

How much does the dog cost? Donít make me laugh. We will almost pay you to take this dog Ė notice I said "almost." Try before you buy? Not a chance. What do you think this is a used car? If I ever get rid of that mongrelÖ Oh, wait, "Here Cody! Sit, smile for the nice people. Hold up your pedigree registration papers. Thatís a good pooch. Here is your milkbone treat. Watch the fingersÖ. You can go now. I said, GO!Ö NO! NO! Not on the rug!"

Please, somebody, adopt this FREE dog. Iím telling you, except for a few teensy vices, he is a great dog. He walks on a leash, sits on command, and only barks at trash men and other dogs (unless provoked). Just a wee bit of time and attention and he will call you master forever, provide hours of companionship, and bring you your slippers only slightly crewed up. Whatís not to love?


Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss

 
 



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