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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Dear Santa...
 


Dear Santa


Iím writing this because I want to explain a few things, and just in case you already ďknow.Ē You may have heard that I said I didnít believe in you any more. That's true, but surely you wonít hold me responsible for a statement made at the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. I wasnít the only grinch there that day by a long shot.

Okay, I did get upset with a sales clerk in the department store too. But she wouldnít help me look for my size and just kept on helping other people instead. I apologized later to the store manager when he came to break us up, but he threw me out of the store anyhow.

Yes, I believe I did say an ugly word earlier and honk my horn when someone whipped into a parking place that I had been waiting for. They deserved it. If I were an evil person, I would have waited until they went inside and keyed the car. Thatís all Iíve got to say on this matter other than Iím not admitting to anything.

I will admit, however, that I ordered cheap gifts off the Internet this year instead of getting them at the fancy stores at the mall. You canít blame me for wanting to save money, can you? It isnít that I donít care. . .really. But next year Iím just getting gift cards for everyone and skipping the rest of it.

I got a bit upset at a restaurant waiter too. I ask you, how can a restaurant run out of something as basic as potatoes? And the most aggravating part was they let us wait for a table for 30 minutes without saying anything. They wouldnít let me go into the kitchen as they already had three cooks to quit and couldn't afford to lose another one.

Santa, you just donít know what itís like at Christmas. People cut in line, try to steal your purse, push and shove, and buy up all the good stuff before you can get there. Then they have the nerve to wish you a Merry Christmas. You should probably try gift cards too. Think of all the trouble you would save by not having to drag toys around in the cold.

Speaking of cold weather, for heavenís sake donít bring any snow with you when you come. Thatís the last thing we need. Sleds are not very practical these days anyhow. And reindeer should just stay in the Arctic where they belong instead of gallivanting around all over the world.

Anyhow, it will all be over pretty soon, and they can all go buy their decorations for next year at 50% off. I promise to behave myself this year and not to take anything out of another personís basket -- unless, of course, they got the last good item and I have to.

I know you are wondering, so what Iíd like you to bring me for Christmas this year is cash. You can just put it in my stocking where I can find it, and donít bother with wrapping it. Small bills will be best. Cold hard cash is really the ideal gift. Once size fits all wallets, no exchanges needed, and my favorite color is green. If you donít want to bring cash, you can make a direct deposit into my checking account or send it via PayPal.

Iíve been extra good all year except for the few small items that I mentioned. And just in case you have any ideas about bringing me a lump of coal, Iíd like to remind you that the custom went out with the dinosaurs.

You believe me, don't you?


Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
 
 



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