Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
To carry her weekly column in your
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Online Since 1999
writing this because I want to explain a few things, and just in
case you already ďknow.Ē You may have heard that I said I
didnít believe in you any more. That's true, but surely you
wonít hold me responsible for a statement made at the mall on
the day after Thanksgiving. I wasnít the only grinch there
that day by a long shot.
Okay, I did get upset with a sales clerk in the department store
too. But she wouldnít help me look for my size and just kept
on helping other people instead. I apologized later to the store
manager when he came to break us up, but he threw me out of the
Yes, I believe I did say an ugly word earlier and honk my horn
when someone whipped into a parking place that I had been
waiting for. They deserved it. If I were an evil person, I would
have waited until they went inside and keyed the car. Thatís
all Iíve got to say on this matter other than Iím not
admitting to anything.
I will admit, however, that I ordered cheap gifts off the
Internet this year instead of getting them at the fancy stores
at the mall. You canít blame me for wanting to save money, can
you? It isnít that I donít care. . .really. But next year
Iím just getting gift cards for everyone and skipping the rest
I got a bit upset at a restaurant waiter too. I ask you, how can
a restaurant run out of something as basic as potatoes? And the
most aggravating part was they let us wait for a table for 30
minutes without saying anything. They wouldnít let me go into
the kitchen as they already had three cooks to quit and couldn't
afford to lose another one.
Santa, you just donít know what itís like at Christmas.
People cut in line, try to steal your purse, push and shove, and
buy up all the good stuff before you can get there. Then they
have the nerve to wish you a Merry Christmas. You should
probably try gift cards too. Think of all the trouble you would
save by not having to drag toys around in the cold.
Speaking of cold weather, for heavenís sake donít bring any
snow with you when you come. Thatís the last thing we need.
Sleds are not very practical these days anyhow. And reindeer
should just stay in the Arctic where they belong instead of
gallivanting around all over the world.
Anyhow, it will all be over pretty soon, and they can all go buy
their decorations for next year at 50% off. I promise to behave
myself this year and not to take anything out of another
personís basket -- unless, of course, they got the last good
item and I have to.
I know you are wondering, so what Iíd like you to bring me for
Christmas this year is cash. You can just put it in my stocking
where I can find it, and donít bother with wrapping it. Small
bills will be best. Cold hard cash is really the ideal gift.
Once size fits all wallets, no exchanges needed, and my favorite
color is green. If you donít want to bring cash, you can make
a direct deposit into my checking account or send it via PayPal.
Iíve been extra good all year except for the few small items
that I mentioned. And just in case you have any ideas about
bringing me a lump of coal, Iíd like to remind you that the
custom went out with the dinosaurs.
You believe me, don't you?
Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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