Confessions of a
Couch Potato
 I’m a couch potato. Probably you always thought that
men where the only ones who deserved this description. I’m here to say
that women are almost as lazy as men at times, and we deserve equal
opportunity to claim the starchy vegged-out category.
I’m not just an ordinary couch potato, but an expert
at fine couch potato technique. Only one thing is really necessary for
being a couch potato and that, of course, is a couch. There are,
however, other things that give couch potato status greater comfort.
Any good couch potato, male or female, will tell you
that their most non-productive minutes are spent in front of a
television set. While not absolutely essential, it does help to have the
television playing so that the couch spud at least appears to be doing
something.
Sports are favorite views for spuds as we can let the
game drone on and on while we snooze away the hours in non-productive
loafing. Programs to avoid are crime and police dramas that have car
chase scenes. These are most annoying and the racket of sirens can wake
up even the most dedicated snoozer.
Other accessories are also helpful in attaining the
ultimate in couch potato comfort. Pillows for the neck are helpful.
Naturally you do not want to use a bed pillow, as that would betray your
intention. Cute little sofa pillows work well and appear to be
decorative accessories when not being used for their actual purpose.
A blanket to ward of chills while in an inclined
position is also convenient. Again, we do not wish to use actual bed accessories, which betray intent. Small coverlets or the afghan granny
knitted are perfect for this. They can be casually thrown across the arm
of your couch as a decorator accent, and quickly grabbed to double as
cover when the urge to nap hits and we do not want to spoil the mood.
Couches come in assorted sizes and types. The best
couch potato couches are long enough to accommodate the entire body
while in a horizontal position. They should be soft and wide enough that
you do not feel as if you may fall off. I have spent many lazy hours
catching Z’s on my den couch, a perfect accommodation for a couch
potato.
Unfortunately, my den is presently occupied otherwise
and I must revert to an office loveseat for my fix. While soft, it is
far too short. One must be a dedicated and determined couch potato to
twist the body into a pretzel shape that will be accommodated by this
sort of couch.
Creative technique, however, allows the wide arms to
be used as headrest and footrest. Not complete comfort, by any means,
but complete determination. One must be also willing to tolerate a minor
neck ache when waking up from this position.
Why bother with all this, you say? If you’re sleepy
or THAT lazy, go to bed! Obviously you do not understand the point.
Years of practice are needed to prefect a couch potato technique. The
point is NOT to go to bed, but to catch forty winks elsewhere.
Some might consider snacks or drinks essential for
perfect potatoing; however, I consider that as a pre-potato festivity.
The true couch potato will be found in an inclined position, hogging the
entire sofa, and pretending to be wide awake, even while snoring.
Too much time on my hands? Not at all! The best hours
are those stolen when I should absolutely be doing other activities.
Actually, I feel a bit drowsy right now. I think I’ll finish this
column later. Would you pass me that afghan?
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