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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Cold Hard Facts....
 


Just the Cold Hard Facts


Hello, is this 911? I want to report a refrigerator.

Regardless of how new they are, regardless of how expensive they are, regardless of how good the brand is supposed to be, regardless of prayer, witch doctors, or fairy god mothers, my appliances are determined to stop working.

I was minding my own business cooking dinner when I noticed something that looked like water on the floor. It seemed to be coming from under the refrigerator. How could that be? The fridge is nearly brand new and it has already had one visit from the appliance repairman. Refrigerators used to last forever. All I can say is they don't make ‘em like the used to. It's a crime the way these appliances act.

Water, water everywhere. I scooted the fridge out as best I could and checked behind it. There was a puddle behind the fridge. My floor, my beautiful hardwood floor! It is ruined. I'm telling you this refrigerator should be arrested for destruction of property if nothing else.

I opened the freezer to see what was wrong and found a waterfall inside. The food was covered with ice from water that dripped down and refroze. I've been pulling out ice-covered frozen dinners, ice-covered packages of meat, and ice-covered ice. There is a glacier inside it. Are you going to do something, or not?

What's my emergency? It's an avalanche! Everything is covered with ice! Water has run down the walls inside and frozen. It's Glacier National Park. I'm going to lose it. You don't want me to do something terrible that I don't want to do, do you? It's pushing my buttons!

I discovered the problem - an iceberg. Behind the icemaker is a lump of ice large enough to sink another Titanic. The big lump is interfering with the ice-making mechanism and causing water to run over into the refrigerator. My house will be an igloo if you don't get here soon.

No, I can't remove the ice. It is frozen solid to the side of the refrigerator. I tried to chip it loose with a knife but am afraid of chipping something besides ice. You don't want me to hurt myself, do you? The food in the sink is defrosting, and the freezer is coughing up ice balls. Isn't there something you can do?

Okay, I got the hair dryer out of the bathroom and am trying to fend it off until you can get here. Water dripped into the light in the back of the freezer. It flashed and went out. I'm probably going to be electrocuted before this is over. It's an emergency.

Wait, what do you know? It looks as if the hair dryer melted the ice. The ice tray has returned to its normal position and all appears well. I still don't trust this refrigerator.

On second thought, maybe you should cancel this call. I may be able dry the refrigerator out with a dish towel, and return the food to the freezer. It is going to be okay this time, but next time I may not be so lucky.

I'm keeping an eye on that icemaker I have your number taped to the refrigerator door and the hair dryer is set on high. Appliances cannot be trusted.

You will probably be hearing from me again.


Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss
 
 



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