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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Cold Day in Hell....
 

 

A Cold Day in Hell

Honey, Iím home!

What do you mean, "Where have I been all night?" Iíve been trying to get home. It is a nightmare out there. I was stuck on the bypass for over 15 hours!

"You donít believe me?" Look at me! I am half-frozen, smell like a locker room, and am going to pass out from dehydration at any minute. What do you think I was doing?

"Fooling around?"

Donít you watch TV? Iím telling you, it was a disaster. Cars spinning out on the ice, jack-knifed semiís, wrecks every ten feet. Iím surprised I made it at all. At least you could act glad to see me, even if you are not.

"Why didnít I call", you ask? I tried to call, but the lines were jammed. Thatís the trouble with cell phones; you canít get through because everybody else is trying to get through too. You have no idea what it was like out there. It was like hell finally froze over.

Image this, half of Atlanta on the Interstate without any bread, milk or toilet paper. You know how we always try to be prepared at the first snowflake, and when disaster happened, it caught us all off guard. I know the weatherman predicted it, but the weatherman is always predicting snow and then we donít get any. I didnít believe him, and, apparently, neither did anyone else.

"Go to a motel?" All the motels anywhere close to an Interstate were full, thatís why. I actually considered spending the night at Home Depot on a lawn chair, but I figured you would be worried and I wanted to get home.

No, Iíve not been drinking!

"I should have stopped somewhere and used a phone?" I did stop! But after waiting 2 hours in line for gas, I didnít want to take any more time trying to find a land-line. Besides, phones were all jammed. Even the 911 switchboard was jammed. People were frustrated, angry, cold, hungry, having babies in cars and everything else.

Thank goodness I have that car charger or my cell phone would have gone dead. At least I had something to do, posting on Twitter and reading Twits from other people stuck on the Interstate. I donít suppose you bothered to check Facebook or Twitter? "Watching movies on Netflix?" Did you happen to look out the window and see that it was snowing?

Actually, I left the office early, just as soon as I saw the first flakes. Trouble was, so did everyone else. The town emptied out like it was being sucked up by a giant snow blower. Offices were closed, schools let out, and businesses shut down. Unfortunately, we all ended up stuck together in the snow.

I saw school busses with kids stuck in them and it said on the radio that a lot of busses could not make it at all and kids were stranded in schools. Parents couldnít get there either as they were stuck in traffic, just like me. I didnít see a salt truck or road scraper the entire time.

"Only two inches?" You donít understand! It packed down and turned into ice. The bypass was the worldís longest skating rink. People were spinning their tires and not going anywhere. And the ones not spinning were in the ditch. Some people just gave up, left their cars on the road, and walked to some place warm.

Are you nuts? Who would fool around with me the way I smell?

Iím going to make some hot chocolate and take a shower. "We donít have any milk? We donít have any bread or toilet paper either?" Forget it! I would not go out there again if Krogerís was giving groceries away for free.

Guess I will have to sooner or later, though. Do you happen to know where the police impound lot is?


Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
 
 



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