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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Baby, It's Cold Outside....
 


Baby, It's Cold Outside

The North Pole seems to have moved south for the winter and here in Tennessee we are shivering like castaways with hypothermia. Parking lots have become skating rinks, where we skid into the grocery store to replenish our emergency stash of bread, milk and toilet paper.

Plumbers are busy thawing out frozen water pipes and are expecting even more demand for their services when the temperature rises and broken pipes thaw. Furnace companies and tow truck operators are also doing a booming business.

Having lived in the north where cold weather is a fact of life, I've become somewhat of an expert at slinging the ice melt on the driveway, looking for sales on fireplace logs, and watching TV reports about people that have it worse than I do.

For those less familiar with harsh conditions, hereís a bit of unsolicited advice gleaned from experience:


HOW TO MANAGE COLD WEATHER

Get out of bed.

Turn up thermostat and get back in bed where itís warm.

Get out of bed again.

Floor is cold. Look for lost house slippers.

Try to a shower and get ready for work.

Call plumber to come and fix frozen water pipes.

Call boss and leave message on voice mail that you will be late.

Use hair dryer to unfreeze lock on car door.

Call AAA to come and start car.

Drive with one hand at a time. Steering wheel is cold.

Call boss on cell phone and leave message that you are on the way.

Try to control skids on icy street.

Explain to neighbor that you are sorry about hitting the mailbox.

Try to drive through major intersection with malfunctioning frozen red light.

Sit in a traffic jam for an hour due to numerous accidents on the Interstate.

Look in rear view mirror and see car skidding toward your rear end.

Exchange driverís license and insurance information.

Call boss and leave message that you are almost there.

Park car and very carefully walk across frozen parking lot.

Get up. Look to see if anyone saw you fall.

Hope that your wrist is only sprained and not broken.

Find out that boss did not come to work due to the bad weather.

Go to emergency room and have wrist x-rayed.

Go home and call a furnace repair service to check the overworked furnace that has quit.

Turn on TV and hear prediction for snow and more sub zero temperatures.

Call work and leave boss a message that you feel sick and wonít be in tomorrow.


Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
 
 



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