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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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The Chef Strikes Again....
 


The Chef Strikes Again

Okay, we are going to have another cooking lesson. After last yearís experience, Iím not trying to do deviled eggs again. This year the eggs will go straight to the potato salad Ė no detours. 

We will need four boiled eggs for the potato salad. Put these five eggs in a pan and cover them with water. Yes, I said FIVE! In case something unforeseen happens, we will have an extra Ė in fact, letís boil six. Our track record with food preparation is not too good.

We will bring them to a boil, then turn down the heat and let them simmer for about fifteen minutes. Easy, huh? Itís is a cinch. If you can boil water, you can make eggs.

Next, we need potatoes, obviously. We can fix them in two different ways, so we need to make a decision here. We can boil them whole with the peelings on, or we can peel and dice them, then cook. No, I donít like peeling spuds either, so letís cook them whole. It takes longer, but they will have more vitamins.

We need to fix five cups of potatoes. I donít know how to measure whole potatoes either. Just guess. Put them in a big pot and cover them with water. Bring them to a boil and let them simmer for about 30 minutes. Yes, the same way you cook eggs, except longer. Put the lid on the pot and they will cook faster

Now we will chop up one cup of onions. I have a nice purple onion which will look pretty. You donít like onions? Well, it isnít potato salad without onions. Get over it.

Onions are easy to peel.. Use a sharp knife and cut them crosswise then slice them to make small pieces. Sniff, this onion sure is strong! Just keep chopping! Sob! This is the strongest onion Iíve ever seen. Boo, Hoo! Hand me a paper towel. Sob! Sniff! Did I mention that chopping onions might make your eyes burn?

Are you watching the potatoes? They are boiling over. Get them off the heat! What a mess! Didnít I mention that potatoes boil over easily? Okay, put them back and leave the lid cracked for the steam to come out. Good grief! Canít you even boil water?

Now, the recipe calls for celery seed, but I like real celery. Itís that green tasteless stuff that people eat on a diet. Chop the celery to make about a cupful. Be careful. OUCH! The knife slipped! I better get a bandage before I bleed in the food.

Are the potatoes tender when you test them with a fork? Take them off the heat and pour out the water. Watch the steam, you can get burned. YOWEE! See what I mean? Now letís peel the potatoes. After cooking we can dice them easily. OUCH! My hand, I CUT my hand! Not again!

What was that noise? The EGGS! You let the eggs boil dry! Look at that! It blew up! I didnít know eggs would do that! Well, they are done enough. Put them in cold water to cool. Now we need to peel them. Start at the big end and they will peel easier. Donít worry about the part that sticks to the shell. Help me out here. Iím injured.

Okay, all we have left to do is mix it up. Put the potatoes, onions, and celery in a big bowl. Add 2 teaspoons of sugar and 2 of vinegar. I know one is sweet and one is sour. No, it wonít explode. Donít question the recipes. 

Stir in 1 Ĺ cups of mayonnaise. We forgot the stupid eggs. Chop them and crumble up the yokes. Potato salad expands when you mix it up. Get a bigger bowl.

Well, it turned out okay for a change. You can sprinkle it with a dash of ground cayenne pepper to make it look pretty. The lid came off? How? Oh no! All the pepper fell in, huh? Well, maybe we can just call it Cajun potato salad.

Iím going to the emergency room to get my hand sewn up. Clean up these pots and pans. This kitchen is a disaster. It looks like we had a food fight. What ever you do, donít try to cook anything while Iím gone.

Next time we will make coleslaw, something with no cooking involved.

 


Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
 
 



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