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Meet the Columnist

Columnist, Sheila Moss, is humor writer from  Tennessee. She writes  a weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny things that happen to everyone.

   She has written for  the Daily News of Kingsport,   Griffin Journal, Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton Advocate,  and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal. She has been published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks at Guidepost Books.  Her articles have appeared in numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.

    She is a former board member and past  Editor of  the Columnists.com, website of  the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the oldest and largest professional organization for columnists. She is the Web Editor of Southern
Humorists.com
  and  a founder of the Southern Humorists writers' organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com

    To carry her weekly column in your newspaper, or to republish an article, please contact her. It's that easy. 

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Fairbanks International....
 



Dear Fairbanks International Airport:

I would like to apologize for all the fuss I created this week when I drove my car on the airport runway. I am not a terrorist and I was not trying to hijack a plane or blow up the airport. I have a new Apple iPhone and was trying out the Apple maps navigation app. All I wanted to do was return my rental car. How was I supposed to know that nice, wide, concrete road was not for cars?

I did notice that the other "cars" were much larger and had wings, but I figured they were Hummers or some kind of government defense vehicle. I saw the flashing lights, warning signs, and concrete markers, but I thought those were for other people, not me. I drove through the gate and no one stopped me.

If I may make a suggestion, you really should put a security fence around your airport if you donít want people driving on the runways. May I remind you that I was not the only one to make this mistake; another person did the very same thing only a few weeks ago. As open and accessible as your runways are, it is a wonder you donít have moose running all over them.

In case you didn't know, a GPS leading someone astray is nothing new. Other people have followed their deviceís instructions on boat ramps into lakes, on railroad tracks, down stairs, into deserts and to the edge of cliffs. At least I didn't cause a crash or hurt anyone. It is a pretty scary thing when your iPhone navigation system turns sinister and tries to throw you under the bus Ė or in this case, under a 747.

It's not my fault. I was following directions. How was I to know that the maps on my iPhone were not accurate? As much as I paid for the darn thing, you would think that it would know what it is doing. From now on, I will keep a 1956 Road Atlas in the glove compartment and see if it can get me to the airport without nearly killing me.

Have you ever made a wrong turn or somehow got on the wrong road? Everyone has. It can easily happen, especially when it is dark or the place is unfamiliar. Just take my word for it, though, when you start meeting up with luggage carts, something is wrong and you better get the heck out of there before an army of security guards descends on you like locusts.

Things could always be worse, I suppose. You've heard about the three ladies who were stranded in Death Valley for several days because they took a side trip off the main road, thinking they were okay because they had a GPS. By the time they figured out that their stupid GPS was lost, the car was out of gas. They were lucky to make it out alive.

One more thing, Iím really glad that you notified Apple of the problem with the iPhone maps. I also contacted their customer service department and registered a complaint. I hear they have disconnected that part of the system now so no one else will follow its lousy instructions. I also heard that the airport put up some barricades and closed off access from the taxiway. Itís about time! Why didn't you do that in the first place?

Anyhow, this all I have to say about the matter. I had no idea I was going to create an international incident and be on every news site in the entire world just for taking a little short cut. The entire thing has been very embarrassing for me.

You may be certain that from now on I will trust my eyes instead of my Apple.



Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss
 
 



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